Correcting Competition

Hello, I'm glad you made it again. I brought some smokies for the fire, just make sure you don't hold it too close to the flame. I hope the shadows didn't bother you too much, it is a bit crowded in here tonight.

Of all the things I've done for volunteer work, the one I've enjoyed the most has been coaching. What I'm reading to you tonight was originally a four page essay for a writing class that ... got away from me. I had a problem shortening it simply because I wanted all the examples. I feel it is a rather important topic, so for all you folks with kids, please read. Expect more from your coaches than showing up and doing a rotation. And if they're failing, well it falls to you then to step up and do the right thing.

Correcting Competition

One of the most controversial topics I have found in parenting relates to competition. For the longest time Western Society has seen negative examples of competition, most particularly when speaking of sports. Unfortunately, I don’t think the problem has ever been properly addressed. The issues concerning the negative effects of competition have been misdiagnosed as a malady of competition itself. I disagree. The problem is that it is rare that adults take the time to properly teach the children around them the proper ways to compete. Once we teach our children how to compete with pride, reason, respect, and joy, then these negative factors will start to disappear.

One of the most common examples we get in North America is the image of the angry hockey father. The man who stands up in the viewing area and screams obscenities and biased opinions at everyone: the ref, opposing teams, the parents of other players. There are even examples of this going to the ultimate extreme. Recently a man was convicted of manslaughter for beating another parent to death at a hockey game. We point to this and shout ‘We must fix this horrible situation!’

We take a knee-jerk reaction and condemn all competition as harmful. There is a tendency in our society to look at something bad, and suddenly shift to the perceived polar opposite. In this case we now have sports leagues set up where the focus is fun. Everyone gets to play an equal amount of time, and it doesn’t matter how you perform or what you do, as long as you get that chance. We eliminate any possibility of competition and, in doing so, we have robbed our children of a very valuable lesson.

To go back to the previous example I ask anyone to explain to me how one man’s inability to hold his own actions in check is a reflection of competition. Instead I would postulate that if you were to examine that man’s upbringing, he most likely was not taught how to compete properly. If there is more than that needed to support my theory of correcting competition then I am somewhat chagrined. Despite that I can think of many things that will also show the positive side of competition.

My own experiences have been very positive. I have played two sports with a great deal of proficiency and that is because of my mother and my coaches. These are the two essential pieces when you wish to start teaching a child how to compete. Having been a child athlete, a parent, and a coach, my own experiences have given me examples of good and bad parents, coaches, and players. Amazingly, there is a strong connection between parents who do not support good competition, and bad coaching, and players who are a bad example of what competing in a sport can do for a child.

My first real sporting experience was a common one: soccer. I was lucky to have a very passionate and knowledgeable coach. His name was Tom and I still remember him with a great deal of affection. His son Matt was the same age as I was and we became friends through the sport. Tom’s example of being both a parent and a coach set such a spectacular example that all of ‘his kids’ and their parents were able to follow in his wake to help produce some very good young athletes.

Tom was fair, he never asked more than could be provided, but he never accepted an excuse. He based play time off two simple things: Effort and Example. Were you putting in all the effort he felt you could, and did you set a good example to others with your effort? If you did you played. In a perfect world, all would live up to these ideals, and everyone would play the same amount of time. That is rarely the case. Tom was the first adult to teach me to apply myself beyond just what came easy to me. He never let any kid on his team just get by. Everyone had to try hard and everyone was expected to listen. If you didn’t, you didn’t get to play.

As a coach, Tom expected the same from himself. Tom always put in his best effort: running with us, showing us all the skills we needed to learn the sport, and encouraging successes. He also did one of the most important things a coach can do: He questioned our mistakes. It was never an accusation instead it was a time to learn from those mistakes and get better. If mistakes are made without knowledge of what those mistakes are, then improvement can never happen. Tom made sure each of his players was constantly improving.

As a support to this was my mother. As a parent she encouraged my efforts, and helped me practice. She too questioned my mistakes, mostly referring me to Tom, and helped me to improve. The most important thing she did was to give me my sense of respect, both through example and through instruction. She corrected my disrespectful behavior during sporting events, and gave me other options to help me learn those lessons. I try to do these same things in regard to the sports my daughters play in. I tell them the same things my mother told me: ‘Don’t give up. Always give the other players the utmost respect. Don’t complain, try harder.’

These first lessons in competition were reinforced in later years when I took up football. Coach Brian Saip was the head coach for the Martin Monarchs football team when I went to high school and he became an incredibly huge influence on my life. Not only did he reinforce the lessons I had learned previously, he showed the inter-relation between sports and life once I became an adult. Coach Saip would explain that what we learned on the field wasn’t just playing football. The wins and losses we had there were insignificant to the fact that if we as teens used these lessons to help us grow into adulthood, we would become better people. The ideals of fairness, playing by the rules, respect, giving your all, and being aware of what was occurring around you were all lessons that could be applied to life beyond the football field.

Competition as a metaphor for life was the overall message. Coach Saip meticulously molded me and others with his words, and with the ideals he felt were important. He gave us his own examples of why he felt sports were important. He talked of former Monarchs who went on to other successes. He gave us worldly examples, citing Presidents and Prime Ministers who did not play team sports and how these men were viewed as indecisive and unworthy leaders. He brought the idea to each of us that sports and competition were not separate parts of life, but a school for life.

I have taken these lessons into my own adult life, especially when it comes to the coaching I do. I have proudly coached soccer for close to a decade now and have loved every year and watched with pride as each child I have coached has grown over the season and over the years. I apply each lesson I’ve given to the coaching I’ve done. The proudest moments I have as a coach are when I run into one of the children I’ve coached outside of that setting. All of them still greet me as ‘Coach.’ All of them are thrilled to see me and I always take the time to listen to what they are up to now. Most of them greet me with a hug, and some question as to whether or not I’m still coaching. I talk about these things not entirely out of pride, but also amazement. I’ve listened to the critics, those who decry competitive sports as something that hurt children’s self-esteem. If playing a sport to compete has harmed these children I fail to see it.

This attitude extends to the parents. Some have thanked me for teaching their children the lessons I have. Some have thanked me for making their children more confident in other aspects of their life. I’ve even received one thank you from a beleaguered single mom who said her son’s behavior always improved around soccer season. I, unfortunately, have lost touch with that child, and I regret it because he is one example of how much learning a sport and learning how to compete properly can truly change someone’s outlook and attitude.

Chris came to me as a late sign up. He was surly, filled with anger. I empathized as being a ‘fat kid’ when I was his age. This child was beyond that. That season I was coaching the 9 to 12 year group. He was nine years old, and already he was only two inches shorter than me and most likely he weighed in at 170 lbs. Simply put, he was huge! I couldn’t believe he was only 9. He arrived at our first game with the league organizer, who informed me that he was late signing up and was assigned to my team as I didn’t have many nine year olds. Most of my kids were 11 or 12, but I suppose the league felt this was balanced because most of my team was also girls.

I always make sure I meet with my kids and their parents before we have a game, and I always schedule one or two practices before our first game. He had missed out on that so I wasn’t sure where to put him. As well, five of the kids (including my daughter) were ones that I had coached for a number of years, who had put on their forms that they be placed on my team. These factors added to his feeling of being outside, and most likely was the cause of his attitude when I spent five minutes before the game working with him one on one and talking with him. I found out he had never played soccer before and that he also had never played any sport before.
When I asked him what he wanted to play, he said goalie or forward.

I didn’t put him in, immediately, because I wanted him to get a feel of how I did things. I’m very involved when I coach. I cheer both teams, loudly, and shout out encouragement and reminders for my team, mostly to hustle, to remember positional responsibilities, and quick pointers (e.g. Head up! Elbows In!) to help their game. When I did put Chris in, I got him to go in on defense, because I wanted to see if he could follow instructions, and if he was going to pay attention and put in an effort. Unfortunately he didn’t. Chris sulked onto the field. He didn’t hustle, he didn’t try, and he let opposing players run by him without trying to check them. He didn’t stay on long. When he came off I got another parent, who had agreed to help out with line changes in moments like these, to watch while I talked to Chris. He immediately snapped at me ‘I don’t want to play defense!’ I explained that I needed to see if he could keep up with my instruction, and because he hadn’t been to a practice he didn’t know the plays or positions we had in place so he would get confused playing forward. He then barked ‘Well I don’t wanna practice, I just wanna play!’ I nodded and said ‘Well if you want to play again, tell me and I’ll put you back in on defense.’ I turned back to the field and went back to coaching.

He sat and sulked. He came up to me twice in the first half and informed me he wanted to play, but only forward. I would nod and say ‘Ok, but I can only put you in on defense.’ He’d mumble something, and go sit back down.

At half time I get the parents to help distribute some orange slices and drinks, and then I usually talk to the kids about good plays and places to improve. Instead I got a few slices and a couple drinks and got Chris to come sit with me away from the team. I gave him the same speech I give to the team and the parents on our first meeting. I explained that I don’t play everyone the same amount. I base play time on effort and example. You play hard, you play by the rules, and you try your best, you get to play. If one of my kids doesn’t play hard, he doesn’t play, and I try to find out what we can do to get them to put in their full effort.

I then explained to Chris that, while I appreciated his input on what was interesting to him, I was responsible for the entire team. This means I had to do what was best for the entire team. I then explained that this also applied to him. He had to do what was best for the team. He nodded and said, ‘I wanna play. I’ll play defense.’

When he next went in, it was like a completely different kid was playing. He listened and he hustled, and tried his best. I was so proud of Chris; he stayed in most of the half. At the end of the game, we had another chat. I asked Chris if he wouldn’t change his mind about attending practice. I explained when they would be and also told him I’d be happy to provide a ride if he needed one. I gave him the team list with my phone number, and he agreed that he’d like to get to the practices so he’d try to.

I phoned his mother later that day to make sure she was aware of when practices were and that I’d help with rides if need be. She asked that yes, if I could pick Chris up for the practices that would be great, as she worked when the team met for them, and then asked if I could pick him up for some of the games. Between usually working seven days a week, and having another child, she just didn’t see being able to drop him off for all the games. I gave her the full spiel I usually give at the first meeting, which includes my offer of a ride, and a request that parents in the same area help each other with rides. I helped her arrange with another family in her area to get rides for Chris.

Over the course of the short, only two months, season, Chris became one of my best players. Not because he had the best skills, although he had our most powerful straight ahead kick, but because he gave his best effort and set an example of what to do. He listened and tried to learn all he could at practices, he played hard every game, and eventually he got to try every single position on the field. By the end of the season he was one of the team leaders, cheering and encouraging from the sidelines, and it occurred to me that this might have been one of the few times he fully fit into a group where he wasn’t there because he fell into it, or they wanted him around just because he was big.

The thank you Chris’s mother gave me that I mentioned before didn’t come until the next season when he asked to be on my team again, but then again, I didn’t do it because I wanted her to thank me. I did it because I want kids to know how to compete right, which I feel leads to better and happier kids. I coach and teach these things because they were taught to me. I teach these things because of kids like Chris, kids who have all the potential in the world to be great adults, but because of circumstances they can’t control they lose their way.

I could go into a lot more examples, but I feel my point is made. Competition doesn’t mean playing just to win. Competitive sports do not encourage win at all cost behavior, or lead to abuse, and violence. Competition, in any venue, means giving your all, learning the rules, playing within them, and learning from your mistakes. The negative things that happen occur because the kids don’t know how to compete, because we adults haven’t taught them, or because the adults themselves don’t know how to teach and encourage good competitive spirit. I agree that negative behavior happens in competitive sports, but not because of the competition. It’s because adults who are the teachers of, and examples to, children have failed. And that is no reason to cheat them out of valuable lessons and experiences.