Come on in and grab a seat. The heavier skins are back up, mostly to stop that wind. It's so strong these days you can feel just underneath the first little scents of snow and cold. Ah well, I like the cold. Gives me a reason to make big fires.
So I've noticed something the past couple weeks. I don't know if it's me or if it's the strange weather, but it is like everyone wants to pick a fight. And I'm just not into it. Maybe I'm in a low ebb, maybe I'm hitting a mellow phase, dunno. But it is weird to watch others seem ready to tear a strip out of each other and all I want to do is shrug and walk away. I'm just not that fired up right now.
It makes me think of how people are so affected by their environment. Weather, food, experiences, scents, sounds, visual cues, all these things can have such a wild effect when it comes to someones attitude or mood. I'm pretty sure I can predict the weather based on people's moods.
I've also noticed I tend to have an opposite reaction to most folks. I get happy when others get mad, I get mellow when others get fired up. Strange.
So I guess for now I'll just sit back and observe. Easier than trying to get fired up for something I don't want to do.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
The Ultimate Dumbass Story.
So come on in and I'll tell you a funny tale. A tale of love lost, missed opportunities and how one guy almost got beaten to death with a pool cue. The fire is low, the rain from the night is cleaning out the dust and dryness of the past week. It's a nice day.
Just to set this story up and give a little background: I decided to retell this tale because my mom said something to me the other day. She wished I would find someone who would just love me for me. I realized then that while I might say I've got no 'list' of things I want in a woman, it was in that statement of 'love me for me' that it hit me: there is one thing I require from a female. She's got to let me go full speed ahead with my many stupid things, smile and support me and when I finally realize it was stupid, point out what a dumbass I am. And that leads to this story.
So me and The Hammer were heading up to ToonTown for a paintball game. It was this massive year end game with 200+ people on each side, done over a whole day, is a real hoot. We decided to stay with a friend of ours the night before the game, let's call him ... hmm ... Dumbass. You'll see how this is applicable soon.
So we roll up to Dumbass' place and head up, looking around his apartment me and the Hammer are both confused. We know Dumbass is actually quite a brilliant biochemist who makes stupid amounts of money yet his apartment looks like a monk's cell. TV up on a board over milk crates. Maybe three plates and a couple glasses with two of each utensil. Nothing on the walls, a couch, real sparse. I shout out 'Dumbass, you ever bring a girl here she is NOT going to believe you got a fat wallet.' Dumbass waves this off 'Like I have any chance of bringing a girl here. I don't do anything to meet them.'
The Hammer shakes his head 'You can meet them anywhere, why be like that?' Dumbass explains he doesn't just want some bar hook up, and he's kind of picky. The Hammer pish poshes this and says 'We're not talking a bar hook up, I mean you can meet a girl there, ask for a number or give her yours and then meet somewhere else to get to know her better. And really how picky could you be?' Turns out VERY picky. So picky in fact that we were amazed that for a guy who apparently never meets women he had some very specific ideas about what would do it for him in a mate.
Here is the list: Smallish, blonde, cute, sense of style, intelligent, funny, has a career not just a job, yet able to travel with him as his job requires that quite a bit. We were so stunned by this list I asked 'Does she have to have a specific name as well?' Dumbass didn't catch the joke and responded 'No, well ... I don't want a Bertha or Edith or anything like that. Cute name.'
Holey fuck right? How can someone have that many requirements? For the longest time I would say 'My mate has to be female. Beyond that I'm really not picky.' Well except for that previous thing I've finally figured out.
So me, The Hammer, and Dumbass head out to a local pub to watch the 'Riders and play some pool. On the way both me and Hammer give Dumbass some points on how to not just have a one night stand, you know, what to say and when to give a girl your number or get hers to be able to meet her someplace else and actually get to know her.
So we get there, cheerin' on the 'Riders, playin' pool. Me and the Hammer beat out this couple to take over the table and start playin'. The couple moves off to a table where this cute, petite, blonde girl is sitting and start making out. The girl looks infinitely bored, and me and The Hammer play a game amongst ourselves. Dumbass goes and puts a dollar down on the edge and says 'Be right back' with this mischievous look in his eye. Oh my gawd he's actually asking the cute blonde to come play pool with him!!
So she joins us. For the next hour or two we play several games of pool. We get to know this cute blonde who is wearing this absolutely gorgeous red top with a gold and black painted dragon winding about her body. Dumbass likes dragons too. Turns out she can hang with me and The Hammer when it comes to witty and is quite funny. Very intelligent as Dumbass made a chemistry reference which she was able to talk about. Get this, she is finishing up her degree in forensic sciences, specially focused on correlation of data involved in white collar crime. She says she took this because then she can work for many different employers from anywhere in the world that has an internet connection.
As the evening progress Dumbass and Cute Blonde start getting closer and closer. They're doing that thing that people who are really into each other start to do, where they lean and talk almost forehead to forehead. Noses almost touching, with each word they share each other's breath. It's very cute and me and The Hammer are high fiving each other going 'Damn fate that's fuckin' awesome, he makes his list and there POOF it lands in his lap! And he went up to her!'
So Cute Blonde starts making hints that she'll have to leave soon. See she came with her two friends who look like they're trying to taste the back of each other's heads through their mouths, and they want to leave soon, I'm guessing so they can do the same with their lower parts. She keeps this up for about a half an hour, looking Dumbass straight in the eyes saying 'Yeah ... I'm going to have to -leave- -soon-.' Dumbass keeps rubbing the back of his head and saying in this hang dog way 'Yeah ... that's too bad.' Oh my gawd, me and The Hammer keep making gestures for him to talk to her not us and he keeps missing the implied gesture to get Cute Blonde's number or give her his.
So the moment of truth happens. She stands before Dumbass, hands clasped behind her back, showing off the golden scales painted across her adorable chest. She looks up at him with a smile and bats her eyelashes, 'I have to leave now. It was so nice meeting you.' She even does that thing girls do where they go up on the toes and do a little bounce. It brings her face into kissing distance and Dumbass stares into her eyes looking stunned. And then he does it again!! Rubs the back of his head and says 'Yeah ... that's too bad.' She blinks and turns, slowly walking off, and looks back at Dumbass who is turned to me and The Hammer. Both of us have our jaws on the floor. We are SO STUNNED!! This girl essentially threw every signal at him to show she was interested and Dumbass totally missed them. We finally shake ourselves out of our stupor and are about to wave Dumbass off to go chase this girl and get her number when he tosses down his cue and goes 'Oh geez!' and turns, looking as to bolt after his perfect girl.
We two of experience breath a sigh of relief. Dumbass finally got it. He's almost to her ... she's turning to the door ... Go Dumbass Go ... to the bathroom?! He turned the other direction right into the bathrooms!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!
No words pass between me and The Hammer. We sit and glare at the bathroom door across the room, waiting for Dumbass to return. We are both ... livid. As Dumbass walks back in his carefree little amble he is looking confused as both his friends seem to be holding pool cues and glaring at him. He stops a few steps back, 'What's wrong?' 'So was her number in there?' 'What?' 'Was her number in the fucking bathroom you idiot?' 'Who's numbe....' His head hangs down and it takes all my willpower not to crack his head open with the pool cue.
We leave. The next day we tell the story to dozens and dozens of people. Who all ask Dumbass all day 'So get any girl's numbers lately?'
Just to set this story up and give a little background: I decided to retell this tale because my mom said something to me the other day. She wished I would find someone who would just love me for me. I realized then that while I might say I've got no 'list' of things I want in a woman, it was in that statement of 'love me for me' that it hit me: there is one thing I require from a female. She's got to let me go full speed ahead with my many stupid things, smile and support me and when I finally realize it was stupid, point out what a dumbass I am. And that leads to this story.
So me and The Hammer were heading up to ToonTown for a paintball game. It was this massive year end game with 200+ people on each side, done over a whole day, is a real hoot. We decided to stay with a friend of ours the night before the game, let's call him ... hmm ... Dumbass. You'll see how this is applicable soon.
So we roll up to Dumbass' place and head up, looking around his apartment me and the Hammer are both confused. We know Dumbass is actually quite a brilliant biochemist who makes stupid amounts of money yet his apartment looks like a monk's cell. TV up on a board over milk crates. Maybe three plates and a couple glasses with two of each utensil. Nothing on the walls, a couch, real sparse. I shout out 'Dumbass, you ever bring a girl here she is NOT going to believe you got a fat wallet.' Dumbass waves this off 'Like I have any chance of bringing a girl here. I don't do anything to meet them.'
The Hammer shakes his head 'You can meet them anywhere, why be like that?' Dumbass explains he doesn't just want some bar hook up, and he's kind of picky. The Hammer pish poshes this and says 'We're not talking a bar hook up, I mean you can meet a girl there, ask for a number or give her yours and then meet somewhere else to get to know her better. And really how picky could you be?' Turns out VERY picky. So picky in fact that we were amazed that for a guy who apparently never meets women he had some very specific ideas about what would do it for him in a mate.
Here is the list: Smallish, blonde, cute, sense of style, intelligent, funny, has a career not just a job, yet able to travel with him as his job requires that quite a bit. We were so stunned by this list I asked 'Does she have to have a specific name as well?' Dumbass didn't catch the joke and responded 'No, well ... I don't want a Bertha or Edith or anything like that. Cute name.'
Holey fuck right? How can someone have that many requirements? For the longest time I would say 'My mate has to be female. Beyond that I'm really not picky.' Well except for that previous thing I've finally figured out.
So me, The Hammer, and Dumbass head out to a local pub to watch the 'Riders and play some pool. On the way both me and Hammer give Dumbass some points on how to not just have a one night stand, you know, what to say and when to give a girl your number or get hers to be able to meet her someplace else and actually get to know her.
So we get there, cheerin' on the 'Riders, playin' pool. Me and the Hammer beat out this couple to take over the table and start playin'. The couple moves off to a table where this cute, petite, blonde girl is sitting and start making out. The girl looks infinitely bored, and me and The Hammer play a game amongst ourselves. Dumbass goes and puts a dollar down on the edge and says 'Be right back' with this mischievous look in his eye. Oh my gawd he's actually asking the cute blonde to come play pool with him!!
So she joins us. For the next hour or two we play several games of pool. We get to know this cute blonde who is wearing this absolutely gorgeous red top with a gold and black painted dragon winding about her body. Dumbass likes dragons too. Turns out she can hang with me and The Hammer when it comes to witty and is quite funny. Very intelligent as Dumbass made a chemistry reference which she was able to talk about. Get this, she is finishing up her degree in forensic sciences, specially focused on correlation of data involved in white collar crime. She says she took this because then she can work for many different employers from anywhere in the world that has an internet connection.
As the evening progress Dumbass and Cute Blonde start getting closer and closer. They're doing that thing that people who are really into each other start to do, where they lean and talk almost forehead to forehead. Noses almost touching, with each word they share each other's breath. It's very cute and me and The Hammer are high fiving each other going 'Damn fate that's fuckin' awesome, he makes his list and there POOF it lands in his lap! And he went up to her!'
So Cute Blonde starts making hints that she'll have to leave soon. See she came with her two friends who look like they're trying to taste the back of each other's heads through their mouths, and they want to leave soon, I'm guessing so they can do the same with their lower parts. She keeps this up for about a half an hour, looking Dumbass straight in the eyes saying 'Yeah ... I'm going to have to -leave- -soon-.' Dumbass keeps rubbing the back of his head and saying in this hang dog way 'Yeah ... that's too bad.' Oh my gawd, me and The Hammer keep making gestures for him to talk to her not us and he keeps missing the implied gesture to get Cute Blonde's number or give her his.
So the moment of truth happens. She stands before Dumbass, hands clasped behind her back, showing off the golden scales painted across her adorable chest. She looks up at him with a smile and bats her eyelashes, 'I have to leave now. It was so nice meeting you.' She even does that thing girls do where they go up on the toes and do a little bounce. It brings her face into kissing distance and Dumbass stares into her eyes looking stunned. And then he does it again!! Rubs the back of his head and says 'Yeah ... that's too bad.' She blinks and turns, slowly walking off, and looks back at Dumbass who is turned to me and The Hammer. Both of us have our jaws on the floor. We are SO STUNNED!! This girl essentially threw every signal at him to show she was interested and Dumbass totally missed them. We finally shake ourselves out of our stupor and are about to wave Dumbass off to go chase this girl and get her number when he tosses down his cue and goes 'Oh geez!' and turns, looking as to bolt after his perfect girl.
We two of experience breath a sigh of relief. Dumbass finally got it. He's almost to her ... she's turning to the door ... Go Dumbass Go ... to the bathroom?! He turned the other direction right into the bathrooms!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!
No words pass between me and The Hammer. We sit and glare at the bathroom door across the room, waiting for Dumbass to return. We are both ... livid. As Dumbass walks back in his carefree little amble he is looking confused as both his friends seem to be holding pool cues and glaring at him. He stops a few steps back, 'What's wrong?' 'So was her number in there?' 'What?' 'Was her number in the fucking bathroom you idiot?' 'Who's numbe....' His head hangs down and it takes all my willpower not to crack his head open with the pool cue.
We leave. The next day we tell the story to dozens and dozens of people. Who all ask Dumbass all day 'So get any girl's numbers lately?'
And then I woke up ...
Come on in, there's some great fruit and veggies to snack on. Feel free to watch the smoke and follow the images. It's what I'm doing.
You see I woke up and felt very satisfied, and yet there was something missing. Reaching to the side I felt an empty space and you were gone. Strangely I wasn't bothered ... just disappointed. Seeing those gorgeous eyes of yours when I wake up always makes my day. I heard noise so I went down the hall, scratching and stretching out the stiffness of sleep. I came into your studio and there you were, a large painting propped up, you sat on a stool, gloriously naked, spatterings of paint from your enthusiastic art techniques covering various parts of your body. You hadn't heard my footsteps so I helped prop up the doorway and watched.
Watching you move is always something that makes my mind kick into gear and my soul to stir. I don't think you understand your hidden grace, but when you paint it makes me wish I could watch you all day long. There is slight hesitation, a beginning stroke and suddenly you move with purpose, paint is pressed to canvas and an image starts to develop. You're so into it you don't notice the minutes as they pass. I am so enthralled by you I don't notice the sun move through the window frame.
A moment of frustration passes your face and you make a little noise back in your throat, it signals the end of your current session and without looking at me you say 'You know I'm hungry, you could have stopped staring for a while and made breakfast.'
I can't help be laugh and step up behind you. Our naked bodies slowly touch as I hug you and kiss your ear. 'I thought we'd go for some food. I know you want to hit the art supply store.' For some reason you get up and bounce about like a little kid. Of course, no little kid moves like THAT when they bounce. My eyes are riveted to that magnificent chest, and you laugh as you notice my reaction. 'I'll get dressed so you can stop being distracted, and then you can take me to breakfast.'
At the art store we act like a couple of giggly teenagers. I don't know how else to describe it. There is a certain comfort that belies description and we keep making stupid jokes about words as simple as easel. It'd be pathetic were it not so fun. The front clerk seems annoyed for some reason and barks at us 'Quit fuckin' around, buy something or get out.' Without a noticeable shift you turn and suddenly you lay into this poor kid. I've never watched someone so sexy and beautiful utterly destroy another human being with their mouth in such a fantastic way. It does nothing but make me happy. I try not to laugh because I know if I start you will too. It's almost a game, like a cat with a mouse. He pales and starts to stutter out an apology, you finish with the line 'Oh and since I plan on spending about five hundred bucks today and the same for the next few weeks, I want you to say three things to me: Yes ma'am, right away ma'am, and please ma'am don't use the big dildo.' That sets me off. I start laughing my ass off and the kid chuckles briefly because he knows he's off the hook ... for now.
It's too late for breakfast so we hit someplace that let's us eat lunch outside. You start to describe your comic idea to me and I can't stop being fascinated. You don't want to do anything beyond tell stories, every day stories, things you hear from friends and things you live through or watch. Nothing but that. We talk about it, I give some suggestions on possibly layouts, mostly just spouting back what I've heard you talk about. That you know so much about a subject that it makes my knowledge of it so small really turns me on. My mind wanders and I can see you naked on the table and everyone watching as we fuck. Whoa, back to reality. You've got that smirk on your face that says 'Oh great he's thinking about me naked again.' It's not mocking or annoyed, it's amused and fascinated. Someone might ask why I can find you so beautiful all of the time, and my only answer can be: because I can.
We spend the afternoon in the closest gallery and they're showing my favorite sculpture. Twelve figures in a sphere touching each other with delicate touches. I start to talk about it and my mouth just goes. I talk about the materials, the subject, the details, the meaning. For fifteen minutes I prattle on like some study hall lecturer giving a briefing on the next test. I stop and cover my mouth and look down to you, your body close to me as you hold my right arm. 'I'm so sorry, I should just let you enjoy this.' You don't say anything, you just reach up and grab my neck, pulling me down as you reach up on your toes, our mouths mash together in a passionate kiss. I can see everyone in the gallery watching but it isn't in shock or outrage. Raw passion is something rarely seen and anyone near it must see it. Must note it. Must mark it. Must witness it and be called on to say 'That is passion.'
When we get home we're both hungry again, it's late and the fridge unfortunately is rather bare. Using bizarre ingredients you let me make something mixed of mayo and veggies on saskatoon jam on Ryvita crackers. I take one bite and it is horrible. I spit it out and laugh as you smirk at me again. You knew it the whole time. You knew I was making a mistake but you let me make it and just smiled as I did it. Then said 'You dumbass. Maybe you want to snack on something else ...' Your robe slowly opens ...
As do my eyes. The house is different. I'm back in this reality. Glimpses of a cosmos parallel to this yet just different enough that we both fell into each other's eyes.
You see I woke up and felt very satisfied, and yet there was something missing. Reaching to the side I felt an empty space and you were gone. Strangely I wasn't bothered ... just disappointed. Seeing those gorgeous eyes of yours when I wake up always makes my day. I heard noise so I went down the hall, scratching and stretching out the stiffness of sleep. I came into your studio and there you were, a large painting propped up, you sat on a stool, gloriously naked, spatterings of paint from your enthusiastic art techniques covering various parts of your body. You hadn't heard my footsteps so I helped prop up the doorway and watched.
Watching you move is always something that makes my mind kick into gear and my soul to stir. I don't think you understand your hidden grace, but when you paint it makes me wish I could watch you all day long. There is slight hesitation, a beginning stroke and suddenly you move with purpose, paint is pressed to canvas and an image starts to develop. You're so into it you don't notice the minutes as they pass. I am so enthralled by you I don't notice the sun move through the window frame.
A moment of frustration passes your face and you make a little noise back in your throat, it signals the end of your current session and without looking at me you say 'You know I'm hungry, you could have stopped staring for a while and made breakfast.'
I can't help be laugh and step up behind you. Our naked bodies slowly touch as I hug you and kiss your ear. 'I thought we'd go for some food. I know you want to hit the art supply store.' For some reason you get up and bounce about like a little kid. Of course, no little kid moves like THAT when they bounce. My eyes are riveted to that magnificent chest, and you laugh as you notice my reaction. 'I'll get dressed so you can stop being distracted, and then you can take me to breakfast.'
At the art store we act like a couple of giggly teenagers. I don't know how else to describe it. There is a certain comfort that belies description and we keep making stupid jokes about words as simple as easel. It'd be pathetic were it not so fun. The front clerk seems annoyed for some reason and barks at us 'Quit fuckin' around, buy something or get out.' Without a noticeable shift you turn and suddenly you lay into this poor kid. I've never watched someone so sexy and beautiful utterly destroy another human being with their mouth in such a fantastic way. It does nothing but make me happy. I try not to laugh because I know if I start you will too. It's almost a game, like a cat with a mouse. He pales and starts to stutter out an apology, you finish with the line 'Oh and since I plan on spending about five hundred bucks today and the same for the next few weeks, I want you to say three things to me: Yes ma'am, right away ma'am, and please ma'am don't use the big dildo.' That sets me off. I start laughing my ass off and the kid chuckles briefly because he knows he's off the hook ... for now.
It's too late for breakfast so we hit someplace that let's us eat lunch outside. You start to describe your comic idea to me and I can't stop being fascinated. You don't want to do anything beyond tell stories, every day stories, things you hear from friends and things you live through or watch. Nothing but that. We talk about it, I give some suggestions on possibly layouts, mostly just spouting back what I've heard you talk about. That you know so much about a subject that it makes my knowledge of it so small really turns me on. My mind wanders and I can see you naked on the table and everyone watching as we fuck. Whoa, back to reality. You've got that smirk on your face that says 'Oh great he's thinking about me naked again.' It's not mocking or annoyed, it's amused and fascinated. Someone might ask why I can find you so beautiful all of the time, and my only answer can be: because I can.
We spend the afternoon in the closest gallery and they're showing my favorite sculpture. Twelve figures in a sphere touching each other with delicate touches. I start to talk about it and my mouth just goes. I talk about the materials, the subject, the details, the meaning. For fifteen minutes I prattle on like some study hall lecturer giving a briefing on the next test. I stop and cover my mouth and look down to you, your body close to me as you hold my right arm. 'I'm so sorry, I should just let you enjoy this.' You don't say anything, you just reach up and grab my neck, pulling me down as you reach up on your toes, our mouths mash together in a passionate kiss. I can see everyone in the gallery watching but it isn't in shock or outrage. Raw passion is something rarely seen and anyone near it must see it. Must note it. Must mark it. Must witness it and be called on to say 'That is passion.'
When we get home we're both hungry again, it's late and the fridge unfortunately is rather bare. Using bizarre ingredients you let me make something mixed of mayo and veggies on saskatoon jam on Ryvita crackers. I take one bite and it is horrible. I spit it out and laugh as you smirk at me again. You knew it the whole time. You knew I was making a mistake but you let me make it and just smiled as I did it. Then said 'You dumbass. Maybe you want to snack on something else ...' Your robe slowly opens ...
As do my eyes. The house is different. I'm back in this reality. Glimpses of a cosmos parallel to this yet just different enough that we both fell into each other's eyes.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Birthday Theory
Come on in, enjoy the fire, the fresh air and the beautiful weather. Oh yeah the cat accompanied me for this little trek, apparently she knows it's my birthday too and now won't leave me alone. Either that or she's just being her normal retarded self. Oh wait, there she goes to get stuck behind that book case ... yep retard.
Anyways, a few years back I had a great series of birthday moments. For some reason over the day, a half dozen different women showed me their fabulous chests, both enclosed in underware and out of it. Was a great day.
I liked it so much, the more I think about it, the more I would like to introduce this as my birthday policy. If you know me, are of age, and have a touch of exhibitionist you should show me your boobs. I'd love that.
Yes, feel free to get pissed at me by my completely blantant desire to see female mamaries. But it's my birthday and I get to do whatever I want. (Sticks out tongue and goes nyeah!)
Anyways, a few years back I had a great series of birthday moments. For some reason over the day, a half dozen different women showed me their fabulous chests, both enclosed in underware and out of it. Was a great day.
I liked it so much, the more I think about it, the more I would like to introduce this as my birthday policy. If you know me, are of age, and have a touch of exhibitionist you should show me your boobs. I'd love that.
Yes, feel free to get pissed at me by my completely blantant desire to see female mamaries. But it's my birthday and I get to do whatever I want. (Sticks out tongue and goes nyeah!)
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