Oh what a feelin'

Come on inside, I'm just working on a paper and in a fit of impromptu frustration I've decided to ditch out of work for a few minutes and write this little rant.

I love my kids.  My Little Bear and Little Crow are the most important things to me and make every day just that much better.  They are so incredible, just looking at pictures of them as they grow up makes my heart swell and I can be reduced to tears by happy memories. 

And then comes this little worm of guilt.  This little horrible dark stain that seems to want to intrude on a lot of my life at times.  Sometimes it likes to peek out and help make things seem more detached than they should be and it gets me angry.  Because really, the only reaction I have to negativity seems to be anger.  I'm good at it, and it can masquerade as righteous indignation, as moral outrage, or as justified defense of those I love, but what it comes down is being a generally ornery person.

And the one person I'm usually angry with is myself.  Because I'm the asshole that has created the situations that mean I can't be with my girls all the time.  I'm the one that has made it so they can't be together and grow up as sisters under the same roof.  I'm the asshole that has cost myself love and happiness with a family that is all together and united.  Because I'm a generally ornery person.

Now I'm not saying I should or could change.  I mean sure, from what I used to be I'm a pretty mellow guy, but I can still fly off the handle at a moments notice.  Like the experience with wannabe tough biker dude.  But that's a story for another day.  And it's not to say that the anger hasn't been useful at times.  I make a great person to have on your side when someone is trying to screw you over.  Once I get rolling, very few things stop me from getting what I want.  Unless what I want is a healthy long term relationship and a life where my girls grow up together.  That I pretty much have fucked up, cuz I'm a generally ornery person.

I think I'm making progress.  I mean, sure I still get angry, but I'm able to hold it in check and release it in adequate ways, like writing, or video games, or singing, or ... welll shit, there's no one to have some hard angry sex with so that one isn't an option.  Probably because I'm a generally ornery person.

I don't think I ever had a point with this, and really, it may come across as a little whiney but I prefer to see it as self-exploration.  I'm happy I can at least say to myself, 'You stupid fuck, look what you did.  Dummy up!'