Maybe it's just me

Come on in, I've got those wonderful Old Dutch Crunchy Nacho flavour cheezie type things.  So tasty.  And I've got a few musings/rantings that I just need to get off my chest.

I think it comes down to a question about myself.  But the framework of how the question comes around is fundamentally formed (ooooo, alliteration of framework fundamentally formed) by the actions of those around me.  Now it's no secret that I have shown I pretty much suck at making a long term relationship work.  I think it might come down to my rage.  I just get so pissed at things that sometimes that intensity is a bit frightening, hell a lot frightening.  So hey, maybe that's the answer.  I dunno.  But let's just say I apparently can't do it.

And the frustration comes from seeing both the good and bad relationships, the ones that have stuck together, the ones that have failed, and the ones in between, that I have observed around myself.  On the one hand I see folks do the same things I have done and while there are consequences, those consequences are not the abandonment of the relationship.  Except in my case.  Which makes me think, maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with me that I cannot be in a relationship.  Of course there is a subtle hope that maybe I just haven't met the right woman yet.  But hey, if there is someone or something that has control of these things and they are reading, WHEN?!  Pretty freakin' old now, my body is doing some interestingly disgusting thing (The hair, where the hell did all this HAIR come from?!) so it's not like I'ma gettin' all that more attractive. 

So anyways, what prompts this is the back and forth that has happened over my life with many different women.  I meet them, we hit it off, we have a great relationship, they, for the most part, cheat on me and dump me, then crawl back.  The exception to the cheating and crawl back is the latest, where I can't see to let this shit go, but lord help me I'm trying. 

And still, years later with these women, I hear their complaints, they call or chat with me about things that might be seen as a bit risque, and I always have to wonder, what do their current husbands have, that in spite of the complaints, keep their mates sticking around.  Can't be the kids.  Have done that, they still leave.  Can't be the romance, I'm pretty damn romantic.  So there is about a million things I could try to figure out but when it comes down to is, perhaps it's just me.  Which is really damn depressing. 

Now don't get me wrong, this isn't a whine or a call for attention, it's an honest question about myself, and I tend to come to some understanding through writing this shit out, but y'know what, this isn't the first I've written about this, nor will it likely be the last, and still no fucking epiphanies!  In fact, it just keeps getting worse as far as trying to figure this shit out. 

And it's not like I honestly want to go back into ANY of these relationships, even the last one, despite my heart deciding it doesn't want to let go, because I'm sick of the pain and suffering they cause me.  So maybe that's it, being around people, in generally, is somewhat difficult for me, because I get easily frustrated by human behavior, so maybe that's it.  Or maybe I'm just too serious about all this, and my level of intensity tends to cause reserve in others.

Honestly, dunno.  What I do know is I could write a fucking book on how often I've been told 'Oh you're great, but I'd rather be with someone else,' or better yet, 'I only wish I had the maturity now that I had then to understand how great you are.'  REALLY?  Fuck you, yeah, that really makes me feel great.  Or my favorite, when they come back right after fucking around, 'I didn't realize how good I had it with you.'  WHAT?!  I'm so glad I was so great you needed to make a comparison first. 

Or maybe it's that I just tend to attract the crazy bitches.  And my own intensity amplifies their craziness, and then they go all bat shit fucked up retard stupid crazy and have to do something that hurt me and themselves.  I dunno.  It's one of those things that I'm sure will continue to escape my understanding.  Hell even when I think I've found a reserved quiet type they either go super slut or Queen of Passive Aggressive and once again, I'm left alone.

Y'know what?  Sheldon's mailman is right.  'Bitches be crazy.'  Perhaps I should reserve myself to a life of solitude and masturbation.  At least then I know I'm going to enjoy myself and not have to deal with any other fucked up individuals issues.  So maybe it is me.  Maybe I've decided I don't deserve a long term relationship so I allow it to get to a point of no return and then shove that bitch right over the edge and BOOM!  All gone. 

So female readers, here is an honest request.  I'd love to know why you're with who you're with.  Or what factors decide if you're going to stay or leave.  I'd really like to know from as many as possible.  Your information may save a life.  Well probably not, but hyperbolic statements encourage activity.  I think.  Whatever.  But yeah, leave a thought or two about that, I'd love to know.