A Tidal rant

Come on in, I'm sick tho, so stand a bit back.  As well, there's some tea and chicken noodle soup available for y'all.

So Jay-Z, he went and spent $56 million on a streaming company so he can 'revolutionize how music is listened to.'  But I'm gonna disagree with ole money bags there because he's doing what every other rich person does when someone ELSE revolutionizes what they do.

See here's the thing Jay, can I call you Jay, or maybe J? Or just Juh.  There are several hundred artists who have revolutionized how we get our music these days, and they've used various different ways to get into our ears, worked hard, and are reaping the benefits.

Take Walk Off The Earth.  I'm a proud WOTE-ling.  These folks took other people's songs, did some very interesting covers, changed things up, did that neat guitar thing that was the second most watched video on the YouTubes one year, and also produced an album of their own music.  I've seen them live, they are remarkably talented.  THEY revolutionized how I listen to music.  Through them I stopped looking at the radio and started digging through related artists, and found others.  And they let a lot of their music play for free in a ton of places.  That I can listen to it free certainly did not stop me from buying EVERY SINGLE ALBUM THEY'VE PRODUCED, including their two cover albums, because they deserve my money for being such incredible artists.  And they come anywhere near me you bet I'll rob a music store, steal all your albums Juh, and sell them to the first dumbass I see to get tickets to see WOTE.

Or perhaps Juh, we can talk about Sarah Donner.  I heard about her through The Oatmeal with this song.  And her voice was so awesome I had to check her other stuff and found a song that, when shit really seems to be sinking me into my deepest depressions I listen to.  Because you won't find me in the valley when I hear Sarah sing it.  AND Juh, she also runs a kitten rescue, and she responds to fans on twitter, and is generally just this hilariously wonderful person who lets people see who she really is, which seems pretty messed up but awesomely so.  Like THE REST OF US.

Or, and this is my latest find, let's talk about Julia Nunes.  Here is an artist who has used YouTube to such a degree that CNN, the most exploitative newsgroup out there, featured her, but who cares, she has thousands of followers, and does amazing music, and lets us listen to it for free, and I'ma buy all her shit as soon as I can because HOLY AMAZEBALLS SHE HAS THE MOST POWERFUL VOICE EVER! I mean seriously, when I listen to her sing it feels like she is putting every ounce of herself into it and there it is like a train going too fast, almost rocking right off the tracks but it never does, it JUST NEVER FUCKING DOES! She just keeps barrel assing forward and plows your ears into next week with her awesome songs.

See these people revolutionized how we listen to music.  This is what you are doing:
"Gee other really rich artists.  People are listening to our music and we're not getting paid enough for it! I say we get together and if we put all of us in the SUPER AWESOME RICH MUSICIAN CLUB together, we'll be able to convince people it's worth paying MORE THAN THEY DO FOR THEIR (Insert a single persons utility) for 'high quality' streaming music of us in the SUPER AWESOME RICH MUSICIAN CLUB. AND other people who aren't quite in the SARMC will join us just to be associated with us because they want to be in the SARMC."

That is what EVERY OTHER FUCKING RICH PERSON HAS DONE WHEN THEIR WAY OF DOING IT HAS BEEN THREATENED YOU FUCKING TOOL.  I mean for fuck's sakes Juh, I expect better of people in the SARMC.  I expect you to have at least picked up a half dozen or so books and maybe come across the word revolution and know what it means.  Not as a marketing term Juh, as an actual word with an actual meaning, not just the bullshit you're spouting.

Wanna revolutionize music? Go look at the three artists I mentioned, and fucking learn from them you ass hat.

There are things that scare me.

So come on in.  The fire is high tonight because the shadows really are a bit touchy.  Don't get close to them.  They have teeth.  But I have cookies, so we'll cuddle in close and enjoy the light.

I'm going to do something that is very much against what I believe but I also know I need to get something out of my head.  I need to make it perfectly clear that what is about to come out is really not pleasant or fun.  Feel free to back off and wander someplace else.

I feel very alone.  Part of that is I'm not a big fan of people in general.  I don't get along with a lot of folks.  Ok, I can totally appear to get along with a lot of people but really, there's maybe a dozen in the world I really like, and maybe twice that I can tolerate.  The rest drive me fucking insane.  So I stay away, because I know I'm intense, I know I will say what makes people uncomfortable, I will not tolerate stupidity and hate.  So I stay home, with my cat, and I hide from it.

Part of the reason I've lost so much is that I have not been getting out there.  About five years ago I maybe had more tolerance, I maybe cared more, I maybe didn't get so angry.  And that's the big problem.  I'm pretty fucking angry.

Angry enough to drive off the person I loved.  Angry enough to make my children uncomfortable.  Angry enough that I walked away from the one thing I'm really fucking good at.  Because I was afraid.  I'm terrified I'm going to break the last few bonds I have with people and will be as alone as I feel.

Because I know I'm not alone.  I have some of the most terrific and wonderful people in my life.  People who haven't even met me and yet still did what was possible to give me the opportunity to heal.  And I can completely rationalize that I'm not alone.  But feeling and intelligence don't always agree.

So here is how I've changed some of those behaviors.  I've been socializing more.  I've been trying to not just react negatively to people who do things that trigger my anger response.  I have done a fairly good job of not just going off on people.  And I have asked for help when I need it.

But I need to find a job.  Yet the idea of leaving my house every day is terrifying.  Having to interact with the same people every single day makes my skin crawl and my eyes twitch, and my fists clench, and my teeth grit.

And part of it is that I'm not a big fan of working at something I don't want to do.  I have had my dream job, I want to get back to it, but I need to pay the bills right now.

And my mind is not being happy about this right now and I can't find a solution.

So I'm kind of panicking.

A lot.