There are things that scare me.

So come on in.  The fire is high tonight because the shadows really are a bit touchy.  Don't get close to them.  They have teeth.  But I have cookies, so we'll cuddle in close and enjoy the light.

I'm going to do something that is very much against what I believe but I also know I need to get something out of my head.  I need to make it perfectly clear that what is about to come out is really not pleasant or fun.  Feel free to back off and wander someplace else.

I feel very alone.  Part of that is I'm not a big fan of people in general.  I don't get along with a lot of folks.  Ok, I can totally appear to get along with a lot of people but really, there's maybe a dozen in the world I really like, and maybe twice that I can tolerate.  The rest drive me fucking insane.  So I stay away, because I know I'm intense, I know I will say what makes people uncomfortable, I will not tolerate stupidity and hate.  So I stay home, with my cat, and I hide from it.

Part of the reason I've lost so much is that I have not been getting out there.  About five years ago I maybe had more tolerance, I maybe cared more, I maybe didn't get so angry.  And that's the big problem.  I'm pretty fucking angry.

Angry enough to drive off the person I loved.  Angry enough to make my children uncomfortable.  Angry enough that I walked away from the one thing I'm really fucking good at.  Because I was afraid.  I'm terrified I'm going to break the last few bonds I have with people and will be as alone as I feel.

Because I know I'm not alone.  I have some of the most terrific and wonderful people in my life.  People who haven't even met me and yet still did what was possible to give me the opportunity to heal.  And I can completely rationalize that I'm not alone.  But feeling and intelligence don't always agree.

So here is how I've changed some of those behaviors.  I've been socializing more.  I've been trying to not just react negatively to people who do things that trigger my anger response.  I have done a fairly good job of not just going off on people.  And I have asked for help when I need it.

But I need to find a job.  Yet the idea of leaving my house every day is terrifying.  Having to interact with the same people every single day makes my skin crawl and my eyes twitch, and my fists clench, and my teeth grit.

And part of it is that I'm not a big fan of working at something I don't want to do.  I have had my dream job, I want to get back to it, but I need to pay the bills right now.

And my mind is not being happy about this right now and I can't find a solution.

So I'm kind of panicking.

A lot.