The exhausted apology

Come on in, grab a seat. Yeah, sorry about that, the shadows are howling because I've had some rage filled moments lately. I don't get really angry often, but when I do. . . Yeah it's bad. So I'm going to share with you a little philosophy of mine when it comes to the ubiquitous sorry.

Honestly, if all you can do after you fuck up is say 'Sorry' then don't bother. I am sick of hearing those words like they somehow fix what was done or said. I rarely say them myself, not for lack of mistakes made or being unapologetic, because I fuck up on a regular basis. The difference is this: when I fuck up I try to fix the problem. I will own my mistake not by saying 'I'm sorry' but by going 'Wow, I screwed the pooch there didn't I?' and then roll up my sleeves and attempt to fix, or at least lessen the impact, of my mistake.

'Oh but Coyote, when you say sorry you're just showing that you recognized you've made a mistake or showing regret.' Yeah and what is that worth honestly? Unless you're willing to OWN the mistake and try whatever you can to make it better then regret and a buck fifty will get you a crappy cup of coffee.

'Well what about accidents?' Accidents do happen, but I personally think they're rare. Usually an accident can be put to carelessness, which is a personal mistake, or miscalculation or a badly placed judgement, also a personal mistake. And for those rare accidents, why not express disappointment rather than a guilt fed regret?

'So what are you saying then Coyote?' I'm saying that each of us has to own and be personally responsible for ourselves. And not just ourselves but the actions we take as well as how those actions may or may not affect the world, the people, around us. We have to stand up and say 'That is my error, and I will learn from it and do what I can to correct it.'

The problem is we have been teaching kids, and our society, for years that if you shame and guilt someone into saying sorry, they may actually stop doing 'something bad.' Guilt and shame do nothing but break down the thought processes that may lead to genuine learning. Instead of teaching kids to say sorry, why not teach them to realize why the mistake was made and how they can make it better.

So the next time the automatic urge to just mouth that useless and tired word 'sorry' comes popping up stop and consider what the mistake was, if it was your mistake how do you own it, and in the end how do you restore what was made wrong. Try it, it's a metric fuckload better than guilt and shame.