The seedless grapes club.

Come on in and grab a seat, I tried cleaning up the den a bit after that last outburst. And I have some no-name nacho chips. I love'um cuz you can really taste the onion meal they dust on'um. And since I am so angry I thought 'Write something funny' and maybe I'll get a little less angry. You are what you write? We are what we do? I dunno, but this is a funny story.

So I have two kids, I'm over thirty, and I don't want anymore. As such I went into the doctor, and to quote Scrubs, I asked the doctor to 'Grip'um, snip'um, and zip'um.' That's a vasectomy in common speak. I got my physical, my questions answered, and so on. Then I was put on the list, and phoned by the hospital when I should come in, and that whole process was about a two or three month wait.

So I go in at 8 am on some morning and sign myself in, wait for 15 minutes, and am shown to a room. Durring that fifteen minutes I ask the front desk woman a few questions. I'm curious as to how this whole thing goes down, I'm not embarassed about getting my junk worked on, and she seemed friendly enough. So she explained that like once a month or so they just book all the vasectomies into one clinic and they've got it down to quite a little factory line. They book about 20 or 30 for the morning, and the procedure takes like 15 minutes start to finish. I go 'Hmmm, so what like five doctors?' Nope one doctor, one nurse. I go 'Bwua... but if they all get done on one morning?' The admitting nurse smirked 'We get quite a few cancelations, about half don't show up and about a third of those that do show walk out without getting the procedure done.' I chuckled, 'So like maybe 12 or 10 to do over the whole thing?' Yep.

But I thought about this and it bothered me. It means these folks really are treating this like a factory recall on bad breaks down at the Wang Factory. I mean, no offense but you're going to take sharp instruments to my boys, I'd like a little understanding. Which I later found out only comes from the nurse after you make a joke about your junk and her hands.

So after that wait I'm ushered into a room, the nurse says 'Drop your pants and underwear, lie down on your back on the table and cover with the half sheet.' At this point I'm going to get a little graphic so if me talking about my junk is going to bother you, skip the rest of the post. So for those that don't know, your scrotum has its own temperature regulator. When it's hot they hang, when it's cold they pull up. They also pull up when you're hackles are raised or you're nervous. Well hospitals are not known for their warm environment and I'm about to have my plumbing mucked with so what do you think my scrotum is doing? I swear, it felt like my testicles were in my earlobes.

So the doctor and the nurse come in, apparently I'm first cuz I arrived first. Yah me right? So the doc flips back the sheet, and sees that my scrotum is trying to migrate and goes 'Hmm.' I go 'Hmm?' and that is when the BLINDING PAIN begins. So I'm nervous and it's cold so how might you think they'd relax me and get my scrotum to release its death grip on my testicles. Maybe get a cute nurse to mutter sweet nothings in my ear? No. Dope me up like it's Bangkok and it's a wierd sex ritual? Nope. Perhaps even the nicety of throwing a warm cloth on my boys to let them relax? Not even close. Instead the doctor shall FORCE them to relax, by placing two fingers at the base of my penis and using the other hand to push down with two fingers to manually STRETCH my scrotum out.

So naturally I scream in pain, and he gets all huffy. 'Look if you think this hurts, what are you gonna be like when I start the procedure?' I take a deep breath and go 'Hey maybe if you applied the local, or if you let her do it (Looking leeringly at the nurse) it might not hurt so bad.' What I wanted to say but didn't was 'Hey let me pinch your nuts and yank'um down to your knees and see what you say you fuckin' asshat!' It did however get the nurse on my side.

So he applies the local, goes back to yanking on my nuts, which still made me groan in discomfort, but then I looked up at the nurse and said 'Good thing for your chest or I'd see right up your nose.' She laughed at that. I guess you'll laugh at anything when you're watching some poor guy get his nuts worked on.

So he gets me 'loosened up' so to speak and I hear him start asking the nurse for scissors. You see they don't cut you up and rewire you anymore. Nope, they make a small cut with surgical scissors, and then use the medical equivilent of a soldering iron to burn the vas defrens. I think I spelled that right. Anyhow, they don't even stitch you up. They use surgical glue. Fun stuff.

So to sum up. Having needles shoved into my privates, hearing the metalic snip of scissors as they slip through my flesh, smelling the burning of my flesh as they cauterize my sperm slides, none of these things was as painful or disturbing as that doctor trying to 'relax' my scrotum. Try it some time. Just start yanking on that bad boy like it's a change purse that doesn't want to open.

And if after all this you're still ready to get your nuts nipped, well then I will officially welcome you into the seedless grapes club.