My right thumb nail.

Come on in, the soup is cooked, and another is on the way, lentil next time. The fire is nice and high and blankets abound. And of course, I've another funny story for you.

So I can't remember if I was five or six. My mom signed me up for soccer and off we go to my VERY FIRST PRACTICE!! And I'm hyped cuz I've never done this before. So I rush out of the car and somehow I manage to slam my thumb in the door.

I screamed and howled and once my thumb was out of the door I wanted to go to practice because I was afraid that if I didn't go they wouldn't let me play. And they might kick me off the team, cuz I've never done it before and I want to be good at what I do. Instead my mom forces me in the car and off we trundle to the hospital.

A screaming five or six year old is easily the first thing admitted. Because we scream. And every time they touched my thumb I'd scream some more, or louder, depending on the situation. And this nurse, who I can only assume either had no kids or had suffered some brain damage says to me 'Ok dear, what we're going to need to do is relieve the pressure on your thumb. To do that we're going to heat a needle and stick it through the nail.' Now some of you might question how I can remember something nearly thirty years ago, but when someone says they're going to shove a hot piece of metal through a part of your body, you remember that shit ok!

So my reaction was pretty predictable. I mean I was in an incredible amount of pain and they want to help me by sticking hot metal into me? I screamed some more and bolted, headed for the car in the parking lot, screaming the whole way.

My mom tells me that she told the nurse she was an idiot, and how could she describe that procedure to a kid and expect them to sit still. When the nurse suggested my mom go get me and help her do the procedure, my mom's response was something along the lines of 'Fuck you, you caused this problem, you deal with it,' and she promptly went to wait for them to be done with me. So I'm hauled back into the hospital, and the nurse reasons with me. Well a little kid in pain is the worst person to reason with, but she played the 'brave big boy' card and had me at least sitting in the room. So there she is with a frickin' flame and NOT a needle but a goddamn paper clip, and she's heating it up. And she goes 'Ok here we go...'

And out the door I go. I mean fuck being a big brave boy, they were going to stick hot metal in me!! BLUNT HOT METAL! So the nurse chases me down and asks an orderly to help. So he comes in and the nurse holds my arm and the orderly holds my shoulders. And the nurse goes 'Here we go ...'

You know what, it turns out I was pretty damn good at soccer, especially the kicking part. I kicked the table, kicked the chair, jumped up like a wild animal, kicked the orderly and bolted.

So the nurse and the orderly haul me back in, this time by brute force. They call in another orderly. No wait, they get the idea and call in TWO orderlies. One grabs me around the chest, another holds down my legs by basically wrapping himself around the chair and my legs, and another holds down my right arm, so the nurse can hold down my hand. And the whole time I'm thrashing like a wild animal and these adults are yelling at the nurse to hurry the hell up cuz they don't know how long they can hold the crazy kid.

So the metal goes in, and this SPURT of liquid goes flying out of my thumb, about three feet in the air, and INSTANTLY my thumb stops hurting. I stop thrashing, I watch the liquid splash down and go 'Oh wow, that feels better.' After a lecture on how my nail would fall off and grow back, I went home. And I'm sure that there are still three orderlies and a nurse who talk about a fateful day in the early eighties when the bride of Satan's child was unleashed on their emergency ward.