I'm just diggin' on that cosmic vibe

Come on inside, the den is bundled up against all this snow, but the fire is just perfect, warmth and light that lets us sit and talk for a while, and just dig on that cosmic vibe.

I ever tell you folks I like to sing?  Love it.  Not that great, but y'know what's funny?  There's a lot of dogma out there that is the same as the Christian phrase 'make a joyful noise.'  Of course, even non-joyful noises bring something to the soul. 



This is what I'm listening to now.  It's a 'what if' song for me.  In case I haven't mentioned it to you folks, my dad killed himself.  He was an alcoholic, shot his girlfriend, shot himself.  [edit] He died at the scene, his girlfriend died several days later in hospital. [edit done, thanks for info from the Sky Woman]  I was six.  What if he had lived?  Would he be with my uncles out in that sweat lodge?  I dunno.  Part of why he wanted to kill himself was that expectation. 

Ahh now Sarah, well a remix of 'Into the Fire.'  Just vibe folks, say what comes to mind, share what's there, me I'm just going to keep going along this little path in my brain here.

The rage dumps are happening with the quitting smoking thing.  I barked at a customer on Saturday.  He kept saying bullshit to me while I was trying to explain something, and then called me 'Sir.'  I saw red and lost it.  I mean really, you wanna swear at me and then politely refer to me as sir?  And it was polite.  If it at least had been somewhat sarcastic I might've let it go but man did that push my button. 

Remember a while back when I mentioned, the healthier I get the higher my libido goes?  ... Right then, moving on.

My mom said I need to find my 'dove-y-ness.'  I think I told her to sit on it and rotate.  The frightening part?  I'm WAY calmer than I was ten years ago.  Damn how did you folks who have known me that long put up with me?  Thanks.

I keep getting set off when I read the rejection of my honours thesis proposal.  Don't worry folks, doesn't mean that's over or I won't graduate.  Just means I gotta rework it a bit.  Here's the thing.  I have no desire to 'resist the dominant culture.'  I'm a part of the dominant culture.  I may follow Anishinabe spirituality but that doesn't mean I don't take advantage of that wonderful white bias in our culture.  And my thesis, which boils down to applying my life's path to Ulysses, is not about trying to resist the dominant culture.  I want to embrace it in my way.  There is a real difference there.  Colonization isn't all bad.  I just think we all need to own up to our mistakes.  And to quote the indomitable Cenobyte, be nice to each other. 



Yeah I'm a romantic.  If you read this and know who you are?  Yeah.  I am ready now to fall.

Y'know what I did the other night?  I was starting to boil.  The thunderheads in my brain were reaching full on force of nature destruction event.  I was reworking the proposal.  So I went outside.  In the snow.  And I stood in the street.  I watched the street lights get caught in the snowflakes, refracting back bright points of light, sparkling as it laid across everything.  And I breathed deep.  I let that cold air flow into my body and closed my eyes, closed my ears, closed my body down, and let that cold air just flow.  I opened my mind, and let the spirit of everything around me speak.  I let that deep earth chatter start in my feet and flow up until my body was little more than a conduit for the universe. 



It's kind of nice knowing my goal.  Knowing my purpose and path.  And I can see a very long way.  It's nice being able to grab that spark of spirit outside of me and listen, just grasp onto the edges and watch it all unfold.  The path I walk is so small yet so very big.  Luckily I have good guides.  The darkness is closing in, but that's alright, with large eyes I see, with keen ears I hear, and with an open heart I proceed.