Not tonight honey I have a headache.

Come in and sit down, I have a funny I wish to share. The fire is low since it is so beautiful out, and the hides are thrown wide to the wind, letting all that fresh air in. I haven't had a chance to restock the snack sack, so feel free to munch on whatever you've brought.

So this is a sex story. And if you think that type of story might offend you, especially if it offends you to think of me having sex with someone, then perhaps it's best to stop reading now. I'm not about to tell some raunchy tale of sexual exploit with graphic descriptions of what body part was where and doing what, but it will contain images more graphic than the usual. Fair warning.

So I had my first real girlfriend right after graduation from high school. And like most at that age, once we got to the action where we mashed our compatible bits together we tended to do it quite often. At the same time, my mother was planning her partial move out to Esterhazy, and I was getting packed up to move into a room and board, with a brief stop at my cousin JJs before starting university. So that summer, I spent a lot of time with my then girlfriend. Let's call her K.

I'd also like to state that while I wasn't in the best shape, I was 245lbs at graduation, tested out benching close to 300 lbs, had a 2.5 ft vertical, an 11 ft standing horizontal, and ran the 40yrd in 5.3sec. These I all found out at the physical trials for the Senior Bowl. I was a beast. Big, strong, thick barrel chest, legs that didn't fit properly into most pants, and I was about to turn 18. Suffice it to say I was a vigorous sexual partner.

So on the last night in the house we lived in back then, me and K were having a wonderful night alone. My parents were coming in the next day, and we had my lovely basement room with it's queen sized waterbed all to ourselves.

After watching Sportsline (I think that was the name of the show on STV back then, hosted by Warren Woods) where I was mentioned by name by a then vet Ram as one of the stand outs at camp for my incredible blocking on the line, I was feeling like a king, a minor god, a being of impossible potential and importance. And as such, the great Pagan God must be given a sacrificial maiden.

So we begin. The kissing is magical, the foreplay is wonderful, in fact if I were to pick a moment from that time, that would be one of the greatest. Too bad it had to end so tragically. For as I know well, no fairy tale lasts long, and while usually it's tragedy that becomes salvation, reality is generally salvation that turns to tragedy.

So without getting too graphic, I was on top, and she is muttering sweet encouragement, counting off the moments of bliss for herself, and I, in my magnificent Glory am setting a pace that would intimidate a porn star. The bed is crashing about, and we are like some Dianaic beast set upon the wild seas of Neptune, both stirring and defeating the power of the ocean.

*CRACK*

Let me explain some physics. When 245lbs of horny teenager with a grossly overinflated sense of importance is performing a sexual act over the legal speed limit on a full waterbed, that is held in on its sides by thick wooden two by sixes that are held to particle board by three steel corner brackets, summin' gunna give brudda.

And give it did. The entire side split off, finally past it's breaking point, sending a full waterbed bladder slithering off, while still in full motion from previously mentioned sexual act. A funny thing happens when the tension of improvised waves on a waterbed are suddenly and violently released. The back end away from the release 'bucks.' It flips up its tail like a playful porpoise and if the individual 'driving' the action so to speak is on a back stroke and not fully set, he is then launched a full four feet in the direction of the pressure release. Unfortunately the wall was only 3 feet away.

The top of my very surprised head connected with one of the two by four studs in the wall, and I was sent crashing to the ground, suddenly interrupted from my sexual bliss with shock, sudden teleportation, and intense pain.

So we scramble off the bed, and I can see that if I don't start draining the bed soon, then it may puncture the bladder, as the bed is literally half way off the platform it normally sits on. So I stand there, at the foot of the bed, K to my side, both of us in silent shock. She reached over, noticing that my physical body had not caught up with the state of my mind, and while touching said sacred place, asked 'Well maybe when we finish we can start draining the bed.'

And that is when I uttered the words that no man before me, and no man since has uttered:

'Not tonight honey I have a headache.'