So come on in and I'll tell you a funny tale. A tale of love lost, missed opportunities and how one guy almost got beaten to death with a pool cue. The fire is low, the rain from the night is cleaning out the dust and dryness of the past week. It's a nice day.
Just to set this story up and give a little background: I decided to retell this tale because my mom said something to me the other day. She wished I would find someone who would just love me for me. I realized then that while I might say I've got no 'list' of things I want in a woman, it was in that statement of 'love me for me' that it hit me: there is one thing I require from a female. She's got to let me go full speed ahead with my many stupid things, smile and support me and when I finally realize it was stupid, point out what a dumbass I am. And that leads to this story.
So me and The Hammer were heading up to ToonTown for a paintball game. It was this massive year end game with 200+ people on each side, done over a whole day, is a real hoot. We decided to stay with a friend of ours the night before the game, let's call him ... hmm ... Dumbass. You'll see how this is applicable soon.
So we roll up to Dumbass' place and head up, looking around his apartment me and the Hammer are both confused. We know Dumbass is actually quite a brilliant biochemist who makes stupid amounts of money yet his apartment looks like a monk's cell. TV up on a board over milk crates. Maybe three plates and a couple glasses with two of each utensil. Nothing on the walls, a couch, real sparse. I shout out 'Dumbass, you ever bring a girl here she is NOT going to believe you got a fat wallet.' Dumbass waves this off 'Like I have any chance of bringing a girl here. I don't do anything to meet them.'
The Hammer shakes his head 'You can meet them anywhere, why be like that?' Dumbass explains he doesn't just want some bar hook up, and he's kind of picky. The Hammer pish poshes this and says 'We're not talking a bar hook up, I mean you can meet a girl there, ask for a number or give her yours and then meet somewhere else to get to know her better. And really how picky could you be?' Turns out VERY picky. So picky in fact that we were amazed that for a guy who apparently never meets women he had some very specific ideas about what would do it for him in a mate.
Here is the list: Smallish, blonde, cute, sense of style, intelligent, funny, has a career not just a job, yet able to travel with him as his job requires that quite a bit. We were so stunned by this list I asked 'Does she have to have a specific name as well?' Dumbass didn't catch the joke and responded 'No, well ... I don't want a Bertha or Edith or anything like that. Cute name.'
Holey fuck right? How can someone have that many requirements? For the longest time I would say 'My mate has to be female. Beyond that I'm really not picky.' Well except for that previous thing I've finally figured out.
So me, The Hammer, and Dumbass head out to a local pub to watch the 'Riders and play some pool. On the way both me and Hammer give Dumbass some points on how to not just have a one night stand, you know, what to say and when to give a girl your number or get hers to be able to meet her someplace else and actually get to know her.
So we get there, cheerin' on the 'Riders, playin' pool. Me and the Hammer beat out this couple to take over the table and start playin'. The couple moves off to a table where this cute, petite, blonde girl is sitting and start making out. The girl looks infinitely bored, and me and The Hammer play a game amongst ourselves. Dumbass goes and puts a dollar down on the edge and says 'Be right back' with this mischievous look in his eye. Oh my gawd he's actually asking the cute blonde to come play pool with him!!
So she joins us. For the next hour or two we play several games of pool. We get to know this cute blonde who is wearing this absolutely gorgeous red top with a gold and black painted dragon winding about her body. Dumbass likes dragons too. Turns out she can hang with me and The Hammer when it comes to witty and is quite funny. Very intelligent as Dumbass made a chemistry reference which she was able to talk about. Get this, she is finishing up her degree in forensic sciences, specially focused on correlation of data involved in white collar crime. She says she took this because then she can work for many different employers from anywhere in the world that has an internet connection.
As the evening progress Dumbass and Cute Blonde start getting closer and closer. They're doing that thing that people who are really into each other start to do, where they lean and talk almost forehead to forehead. Noses almost touching, with each word they share each other's breath. It's very cute and me and The Hammer are high fiving each other going 'Damn fate that's fuckin' awesome, he makes his list and there POOF it lands in his lap! And he went up to her!'
So Cute Blonde starts making hints that she'll have to leave soon. See she came with her two friends who look like they're trying to taste the back of each other's heads through their mouths, and they want to leave soon, I'm guessing so they can do the same with their lower parts. She keeps this up for about a half an hour, looking Dumbass straight in the eyes saying 'Yeah ... I'm going to have to -leave- -soon-.' Dumbass keeps rubbing the back of his head and saying in this hang dog way 'Yeah ... that's too bad.' Oh my gawd, me and The Hammer keep making gestures for him to talk to her not us and he keeps missing the implied gesture to get Cute Blonde's number or give her his.
So the moment of truth happens. She stands before Dumbass, hands clasped behind her back, showing off the golden scales painted across her adorable chest. She looks up at him with a smile and bats her eyelashes, 'I have to leave now. It was so nice meeting you.' She even does that thing girls do where they go up on the toes and do a little bounce. It brings her face into kissing distance and Dumbass stares into her eyes looking stunned. And then he does it again!! Rubs the back of his head and says 'Yeah ... that's too bad.' She blinks and turns, slowly walking off, and looks back at Dumbass who is turned to me and The Hammer. Both of us have our jaws on the floor. We are SO STUNNED!! This girl essentially threw every signal at him to show she was interested and Dumbass totally missed them. We finally shake ourselves out of our stupor and are about to wave Dumbass off to go chase this girl and get her number when he tosses down his cue and goes 'Oh geez!' and turns, looking as to bolt after his perfect girl.
We two of experience breath a sigh of relief. Dumbass finally got it. He's almost to her ... she's turning to the door ... Go Dumbass Go ... to the bathroom?! He turned the other direction right into the bathrooms!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!
No words pass between me and The Hammer. We sit and glare at the bathroom door across the room, waiting for Dumbass to return. We are both ... livid. As Dumbass walks back in his carefree little amble he is looking confused as both his friends seem to be holding pool cues and glaring at him. He stops a few steps back, 'What's wrong?' 'So was her number in there?' 'What?' 'Was her number in the fucking bathroom you idiot?' 'Who's numbe....' His head hangs down and it takes all my willpower not to crack his head open with the pool cue.
We leave. The next day we tell the story to dozens and dozens of people. Who all ask Dumbass all day 'So get any girl's numbers lately?'
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