Two elephants.

Come on in, the weather has been insane, and what with my schedule it hasn't been used in a while. So come sit down while I dust off a few things in here, and pick up all the crap that's accumulated, and you can listen to me talk about large things that get ignored.

Let's start with the more obscure elephant in the room. BJ Penn. Oh how I love to watch you get your pudgy Hawai'ian ass beat. A ton of MMA sites are going over all the shit about this latest loss, and doing all this speculation, like he's over-rated, or he's not wanting to fight, blah blah blah blah. Only one site even came out and said what really is the problem and they did it in such a spineless way, the majority of retards who read the post won't have a clue what it means.

BJ, if you read this, and I hope you do, GET A REAL FUCKING COACH!! Stop listening to your cadre of yes men, ball huggers, and ass lickers, and get on a real fucking team, stop deluding yourself that you have even a small inkling of what you need to do to be a champion, let alone teach others to live like one, and get a real goddamn camp. You can afford it you rich ass little punk.

Ok, next pack-a-derm. 'Riders. And all 'Rider fans. I want you to listen to me very closely and know that I'm not trying to vilify anyone, I'm just trying to make something painfully clear. The problems we're having? It's not the players. The players are some of the best in the league. I would say that overall, the 'Riders are one of the most talented teams in the CFL. It's the coaches.

We lost both our coordinators, our special team coach, and they got replaced with whatever retard they could find. Etchvery is a fucking retard. His 'big risk/big payoff' defensive schemes, which are barely two dimensional, usually only mean one thing: big gain for the opposition. And rarely, if ever, do they make half-time adjustments!

And Berry... oh if I could just get one minute alone with you, and your playbook. I'd either shove that thing up your ass, where it might actually make a difference, or at least teach you a sequence of plays that will work you nipple head.

(Brief Interlude)

Me: Ok Doug, here's the situation. You're in a HUGE wet paper bag. You have three options. One, is this machete here. Two is using your BARE HANDS to just rip up the bag, and three is this tasty doughnut. Which will it be?

Doug: And I have to get out of the bag right?

Me: That's right Doug.

Doug: Can I still have the doughnut after I get out of the bag?

Me: Sure Doug, you do things however you want, the possibilities with the tools you have are endless.

Doug: Is there a chair in the bag?

Me: What? No, no chair Doug.

Doug: Damn. Cuz I like to sit down when I eat a doughnut.

Me: Doug, you have to get out of the bag. If you don't get out of the bag, you'll eventually be suffocated by collapsing wet paper. I mean a bag that big has a lot of paper and water and ...

Doug: Really?! Oh shit I better eat this doughnut first thing. By the way, where is the doughnut?
Me: There is no real doughnut Doug, we're talking a hypothetical here, a mental exercise to demonstrate your planning and coaching acumen.

Doug: Well why did you bother with all this paper bag and doughnut thing if there is no ACTUAL doughnut. Screw you buddy, I'm gonna go get a box of doughnuts!

Me: Uhm... Doug. You can't, you're still in the paper bag.

Doug: Really? Oh well I'm just going to sit here till I get my doughnut!

Me: Right. You have fun with that Doug.

And... don't even get me started on that fucking John Daly bullshit. We fired his ass for being a slacktastic head coach, why oh why would we hire him back to coach special teams!! He says he needs to coach better, but y'know what John?! You can only coach so well, and I think we've surpassed your talents just by expecting you to show up on time!

So. Next time you watch a game, just wait to see any player on the field, after a call in from the coaches give the 'WTF!?' look to the sidelines. I promise you'll see it.