Monday, February 11, 2013

I'm just not in the mood for this

There are no snacks, the fire is out, the den feels lonely.

I find that I am frequently placed in impossible situations.  Or perhaps, better said, I feel that, due to my ability to perceive what I perceive, I am forced to make decisions that have no reasonable outcome.  And I think I'm done with it.

I am unsure how it got to this point but it is no small comfort to know how things will progress and be proven right after the fact.  Actually, I should say it this way.  I know I have failed to make the right choices when they were presented despite their possible consequences, so now due to those failures I am reaping the consequences.  They are ugly and bitter.  And I think I'm done with it.

I am tired of hearing the slap-dash bullshit philosophies of self-help books.  I have a secret for you.  The lack of action does not 'let things take their course.'  The lack of action merely approves through silence the mistakes of the past.  And I think I'm done with it.

As pompous as this may sound, I have worked hard, hard enough to break myself on multiple occasions, to gain the knowledge, respect, and positions I now have.  I don't need to listen to the uneducated and ignorant on what I should or should not do.  And I think I'm done with it.

There is no magical understanding, there is no better place.  Where you are is where you are, your terrible choices and selfish behavior follows you.  We all like to think we're some special case, this is our own little movie or story and no one could possibly understand what we feel or think, but that's not just wrong, it is the antithesis of what I believe.  We are as common as our DNA.  We all experience the same things in a lot of the same ways.  That an individual may chose to ignore those connections is not my problem.  And I think I'm done with it.

To claim that you may have some solution in some new way that hasn't been tried when you have not observed the entire situation is not only delusional but insulting to the people who have been there day in and day out trying to help.  It is not helpful.  When your choices bring you ruin do not expect any sympathy from me because I was able to reason out the most likely outcomes.  I am not here to be ignored so you can fulfill your fantasy of finally being what you wished you could have been before.  And I think I'm done with it.

I have many people in my life who love and respect me.  There are many individuals who know all my faults and mistakes and yet never once have they shied away from me or been disrespectful or dismissive.  No, they have not always agreed with me, they have disagreed quite vigorously but they never once made me feel unloved.  To those that have you may take this as your final reward:  I will not tolerate it and you will be removed from my life.  Every shred of you will be dismissed and I will shed no tears for the loss.  And I think I'm done with it.

My hands have been tied to do what should have been done months ago.  I tried it your way. You have placed every conceivable obstacle in my path to prevent me from doing what should have been done.  You have said and done things that made me realize just how little is thought of me in certain circles.  And I think I'm done with it.

As a final thought: When this all finally comes crashing down, when I stare into the fate I fear the most, when I am forced to accept what should never have been accepted, don't think yourself so important that you will take the blame.  You are not even worth that.  I will shoulder it because that is my responsibility.  One I take far more seriously than any consideration that has been given to me.  And I think I'm done with it.