Wednesday, June 24, 2009

What I want.

Come on in, and sit down for a while, of course, I'm just going to scream for a bit.

I would like to go one day where I feel like my contributions as a father are appreciated instead of just judged.

I would like to go one day where my thoughts and ideas on child care and child raising are given equal weight.

I would like to go one day where I don't have to say to myself 'I wonder how many times I'm going to have to do this?'

I would like to have equal time with my youngest daughter.

I want my family and for it to have a positive strong father figure who's authority isn't undercut on a daily basis.

You'd think that would be very little to ask for.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Damn you Ceno!!

Come on in, the weather is so beautiful, my hides are flung wide open to let in all that summer air. And My Moon has graciously provided us with Hint of Lime Tostitos and Salsa con queso. But since Ceno is responding to spam I got reminded of my favorite spam and thought I'd share.

So there are three that stick in my head and I continue to get funny ones because I made the mistake, back in the mid-nineties, of allowing my email to be seen in ICQ. I'm sure my email has been on every single mailing list on the planet. So let me share the three best.

First off, I open my email and I get big flashing letters that proclaim 'EXTREME ANAL FISTING!!' And the first thought that struck me was 'Y'know if you are sticking an entire fist, even a tiny one, up your pooper, isn't that somewhat extreme? How do you make anal fisting more extreme? Does it involve barbed wire? Laxatives? Betting? How do you make shoving a fist up the human anus any more nasty? I suddenly got a horrible mental image of ham fisted goons, coating their fists in glue and glass a la Kickboxer, while hemorrhoid cream and pepper is applied to the soon to be violated chocolate starfish. I have to live with this image and now so do you.

So my next favorite proclaimed to have a link that would transport me to the most innovative website on the intarwebs. It was creating a fusion between the two massive genres of pornography and horror films. And so intrigued I clicked the link. And there was sample photos of nude nuns (You could tell they were nuns cuz they still wore their habits, wimples, and rosaries) in high heels playing with a demon and his ... well demonic tool. Which was fully three feet long, covered in horns and protuberances and quite ... demon-like. It also had a great Snow White and the Seven Dwarves spread which had me giggling like a little girl. Was fuckin' hilarious.

And the final one, which was actually not that long ago, was to sell me a pill. And this pill is quite possibly the dumbest pill I've ever heard of. It wasn't for a bigger penis, or to increase my staying power, no this pill promised to increase my ejaculate. Because every woman I've ever slept with has said 'You know what would make this night perfect? A BIGGER WET SPOT!!' I've ever polled women and asked 'Have you ever thought that more ejaculate would improve your sexual experience?' and not one has said yes. In fact most have gone 'What?! I'd be happier with less.' And to be honest. If I want to spew a bit more I'll just do what the porn stars do and inject egg whites into my prostate.

So there you go, three disturbing mentals images. Enjoy!