Come on in, the sun is high and shining, the skins are pulled back, but it's still a bit chilly, so if you need to warm yourself, the fire is bright. Sorry about the lack of snacks, but I'm pretty broke. If you brought something, feel free to share.
So here's the thing. Depression saps everything about you. It just takes you and drains it like when an old cartoon is about the faint and all the colour drains out of the character. It just keeps sucking you down into this terrible terrible emptiness, where everything is an echo, a shadow, a shade, a mote of what you once were and once loved. It makes everything good just terrible and the terrible becomes the uncontrollable tsunami of doom.
Of course, most of you who read this know that already, it's preaching to the choir.
And so I've been working on those ANTs and using that CBT to get my head around things. I've been smudging, praying for the little bits of my brain to shake loose the scales on my eyes. I have been putting in the work.
And the dreams, the dreams are wonderful, even if they are exhausting. I'm dreaming in large living colour in worlds and places I used to tromp through and explored all the little corners of my brain. Dreams that seem like years take place in moments and I know the little demons down below are lurking but they can't hide forever.
And here's what I've realized.
I'm fucking amazing.
I don't mean that like 'positive thinking will make it true.' I mean holy shit people, do you realize just how fucking amazing and mind numbingly improbably my entire existence is? Lemme tell ya.
I shoulda died at birth. They had to yank me out and I came out looking like I'd done 15 rounds with Ali.
I choked on a chunk of steak that could have lodged in an alligator's throat. I passed out and landed on a chair in just the right way to dislodge it.
I have ingested and inhaled more substances than most rock bands. Ok, well maybe not Lemmy but please, who is Lemmy?
I've taken so many brain bruises my grey matter should be close to slurry. But it's not.
Let's not forget the diabetes which led to the pancreatitis which had the abdominal surgeon honestly ask me 'Do you want to die? Are you trying to die.' I might've been. Was a pretty rough patch during that.
And in spite of all these things let's list some well known facts about the Coyote.
I'm devilishly charming. I mean, I'm just so wonderfully charismatic that what others do that would get them in trouble, just makes me more interesting and fascinating. Seriously, I could tell you some work place stories. Or the shit I say in academic settings. ANYONE else who did what I do would get just hung out to dry. When I do it people are like 'Fuck, that dude speaks DA TROOF!'
Smart? Oh my. I am so smart. I'm so smart I know I don't know shit but I probably know a lot more than 99% of the people. I'm also so smart that when I DON'T know something I'm all good with admitting it and looking it up or going to the folks who DO know.
Talent? I sing, I dance, I write prose and poetry. I tell jokes, I make the ladies swoon (that's right I said swoon muthafuckas). I am the ultimate jack of all trades because I have mastered many.
And willpower? When I want to do something, it gets done, even when it shouldn't. And when I wanna be good at something, oh my god people. I'm just unstoppable.
And my body? While a bit pudgy and out of shape right now, let's look at the abuse it's taken yet I can still do what needs to be done. And last physical? Sure the cholesterol and sugars were still a bit off, things like my heart, lungs, and kidneys were all working in tip top shape. Whee!!!
And I got blessed with this hyper sensitivity disorder, which means I technically have super powers like Daredevil, just no radar sight. Seriously, my sense of smell lets me identify people before I see them, and know how they're feeling. My sense of touch is so sharp, I can find all a body's aches and pains and make them feel better. And when it comes to intimacy. Well. That'd be a porn story if I were to tell that one.
Add it all up and I'm fucking amazing. And I know it. And now so do you.
Let's do this fuckin' thing.