Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Wow. Brain. Seriously?

Mornin', come on in and have some toast and cheese.  Good stuff.  The winter can go fuck itself, but at least it's sunny.

So I have me a lovely little kitty and he gets fed on a schedule and he loves his food.  I mean, this cat purrs so loud when presented with food I'm surprised he doesn't vibrate apart.  I don't need an alarm clock anymore because at 7:30 AM he is there, purring and rubbing and kneading.  My gawd the kneading! He would murdercuddle my face with kneading out of love for me and his food.  Serious. When kitty want food, his love is worse than his attacks.

So I get up, and as I'm pulling my old, battered, and abused body out of bed, my mind goes 'What would you do-OO-oo for a Klondike bar.'  And I was like, "Nothing brain, I'm diabetic and lactose intolerant."  And then my brain goes 'What would Pixie do-OO-oo for a bowl of kibble.'  And I was like "Murdercuddle a face, duh."

And then my brain goes 'No dude, check this, this is funny.' And this dialogue goes through my brain.

Off Camera Voice:  Sir, SIR?

OCV: Sir? What would you do for a Klondike bar.

Dude :  Your mom. 

OCV :  No, seriously, is there anything you'd do for me right now to get this Klondike bar?

Dude :  I am serious, you're Davey right? Davey Tesler? I was just on my way to fuck you mom.  

OCV: *sputtering* I whu... yeah that's me ... but what? Who the fuck are you?

Dude :  The guy fucking your mom.  So let me go bang her and I'll come back and get my ice cream, ok?

OCV: *slight hitches like Davey might cry* You ... why would you do this ... why ... I'm just doing my job, why would you say that about my mom? You ... this is my first day and this happens? Why does my life suck so bad ... *sobs and deep breathing*

Dude :  Aw .. Davey, man, ok, look.  How about ... how about I promise not to fuck your mom?  Would I get that Klondike bar now? Aw man, do you need a hug? Look, I'm sorry, ... I didn't want you to cry. 

OCV/Davey:  You ... you promise?

Dude : Yeah.  I promise I won't fuck your mom for a Klondike bar. 

Dude :  I was just kidding anyways Davey.

Davey: You .. you mean you never fucked my mom?

Dude:  Oh GOD no, I mean I'm still gonna bang your mom, that pussy's so tight and sweet.  

And then I was like 'Really ... hehe... Really brain that was terrible ... hahahahahaahaa. Ok ok, so the dude, he's all like, big stringy beard and jean jacket right? HAHAHAHA And Davey ... he kinda looks like Kevin McDonald? BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!'

Yeah. That's how I wake up in this mofo.