Come on inside, the den is bundled up against all this snow, but the fire is just perfect, warmth and light that lets us sit and talk for a while, and just dig on that cosmic vibe.
I ever tell you folks I like to sing? Love it. Not that great, but y'know what's funny? There's a lot of dogma out there that is the same as the Christian phrase 'make a joyful noise.' Of course, even non-joyful noises bring something to the soul.
This is what I'm listening to now. It's a 'what if' song for me. In case I haven't mentioned it to you folks, my dad killed himself. He was an alcoholic, shot his girlfriend, shot himself. [edit] He died at the scene, his girlfriend died several days later in hospital. [edit done, thanks for info from the Sky Woman] I was six. What if he had lived? Would he be with my uncles out in that sweat lodge? I dunno. Part of why he wanted to kill himself was that expectation.
Ahh now Sarah, well a remix of 'Into the Fire.' Just vibe folks, say what comes to mind, share what's there, me I'm just going to keep going along this little path in my brain here.
The rage dumps are happening with the quitting smoking thing. I barked at a customer on Saturday. He kept saying bullshit to me while I was trying to explain something, and then called me 'Sir.' I saw red and lost it. I mean really, you wanna swear at me and then politely refer to me as sir? And it was polite. If it at least had been somewhat sarcastic I might've let it go but man did that push my button.
Remember a while back when I mentioned, the healthier I get the higher my libido goes? ... Right then, moving on.
My mom said I need to find my 'dove-y-ness.' I think I told her to sit on it and rotate. The frightening part? I'm WAY calmer than I was ten years ago. Damn how did you folks who have known me that long put up with me? Thanks.
I keep getting set off when I read the rejection of my honours thesis proposal. Don't worry folks, doesn't mean that's over or I won't graduate. Just means I gotta rework it a bit. Here's the thing. I have no desire to 'resist the dominant culture.' I'm a part of the dominant culture. I may follow Anishinabe spirituality but that doesn't mean I don't take advantage of that wonderful white bias in our culture. And my thesis, which boils down to applying my life's path to Ulysses, is not about trying to resist the dominant culture. I want to embrace it in my way. There is a real difference there. Colonization isn't all bad. I just think we all need to own up to our mistakes. And to quote the indomitable Cenobyte, be nice to each other.
Yeah I'm a romantic. If you read this and know who you are? Yeah. I am ready now to fall.
Y'know what I did the other night? I was starting to boil. The thunderheads in my brain were reaching full on force of nature destruction event. I was reworking the proposal. So I went outside. In the snow. And I stood in the street. I watched the street lights get caught in the snowflakes, refracting back bright points of light, sparkling as it laid across everything. And I breathed deep. I let that cold air flow into my body and closed my eyes, closed my ears, closed my body down, and let that cold air just flow. I opened my mind, and let the spirit of everything around me speak. I let that deep earth chatter start in my feet and flow up until my body was little more than a conduit for the universe.
It's kind of nice knowing my goal. Knowing my purpose and path. And I can see a very long way. It's nice being able to grab that spark of spirit outside of me and listen, just grasp onto the edges and watch it all unfold. The path I walk is so small yet so very big. Luckily I have good guides. The darkness is closing in, but that's alright, with large eyes I see, with keen ears I hear, and with an open heart I proceed.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
G'won, say it with me.
Come on into the den. The fire is low cuz the weather is just beautiful. And me I've been thinking about the whole act of white washing history.
I like that term, white washing. Because it is what is happening. The folks in power (white folks) who are ashamed of parts of their history, either ban it or edit it. And this whole Huck Finn thing is like that.
I know that's not the actual genesis of the term but that's my take on it.
So here's the thing, I've listened to a couple different interviews with the English prof who edited this new version that takes out the 'bad' words, and his intentions are sound. He wants the actual issues of the book to be taught, so why not take out the offensive bits? Seems fine. But I dunno. It just seems to ring a bit hollow for me.
Cuz here's the thing. I'm kind of sick of other people assuming that exposure to bad ideas will somehow make someone want to try them out. My take is if someone is going to think a bad idea is worth doing, chances are they were going to do a bad idea anyways. But that's not really my problem.
My problem is the word itself. What word? Naw, I'm not dancing around it. I'm just setting this little part up as a warning. I'm going to be liberally using racial slurs. If the mere use of them offends you, then step away from the blog and head on out to less controversial topics.
Nigger and Injun. Those were the two words changed. To Slave and Indian. And I just don't get it. Well I kinda do. Let me tell you a story.
My sister is a post colonial theorist. And we were at my brother's place for a party and I heard her say 'That word is just so offensive that I never want to hear it.' And I went 'What word?' 'The N-word.' 'What nigger?' THWACK! I get punched. 'Don't say it! It's a horrible dirty word!' 'Nigger is not a horrible dirty word. It's just a word. Intent has to be considered.' *THWACK!* I get punched harder. 'Don't say it around me!' 'Why?' 'Because I find it truly offensive.' 'Ok fair enough. But just to be fair here sis, I _hate_ getting punched. And I've told you that a dozen times. But I'm unclear as to why it's such an offensive word? I mean I know why but what I don't understand why it needs to be just outright removed. It's a valid term and ignoring or banning it's usage just gives it way more impact than it deserves.'
And that's kind of my point. You want the word to be understood, teach it. Say it in the proper context. Twain wasn't using the word to validate it, but instead to demonstrate the dialect of the time and place. Ignoring it doesn't make the word go away. Instead it builds up a taboo about it that can now be abused. You know you can use it as a weapon.
And I'm all for the empowerment of taking an insulting term and owning it as the marginalized group. I get that. Fag, dyke, nigga, all kinds of examples can be made to demonstrate this. What I don't get is how this suddenly means to use the term in different contexts suddenly becomes a taboo.
Other than, as is being demonstrated, to edit a horrible part of history. But folks, what goes for the individual goes for the society. You want to fix a problem, you gotta own it and make it your own. You have to be able to say aloud, 'The term nigger, used in a pejorative manner to describe black people, is an antiquated term that demonstrates past ideas of segregation and marginalization.'
You even have to be able to joke about it. You have to be able to diffuse the word's power by recognizing it for what it is, a left over from bad ideas and bad actions.
So c'mon now, say it with me. Nigger. It's a horrible word. That still requires thought and understanding. Imagine that, understanding our history, even the crappy parts.
I like that term, white washing. Because it is what is happening. The folks in power (white folks) who are ashamed of parts of their history, either ban it or edit it. And this whole Huck Finn thing is like that.
I know that's not the actual genesis of the term but that's my take on it.
So here's the thing, I've listened to a couple different interviews with the English prof who edited this new version that takes out the 'bad' words, and his intentions are sound. He wants the actual issues of the book to be taught, so why not take out the offensive bits? Seems fine. But I dunno. It just seems to ring a bit hollow for me.
Cuz here's the thing. I'm kind of sick of other people assuming that exposure to bad ideas will somehow make someone want to try them out. My take is if someone is going to think a bad idea is worth doing, chances are they were going to do a bad idea anyways. But that's not really my problem.
My problem is the word itself. What word? Naw, I'm not dancing around it. I'm just setting this little part up as a warning. I'm going to be liberally using racial slurs. If the mere use of them offends you, then step away from the blog and head on out to less controversial topics.
Nigger and Injun. Those were the two words changed. To Slave and Indian. And I just don't get it. Well I kinda do. Let me tell you a story.
My sister is a post colonial theorist. And we were at my brother's place for a party and I heard her say 'That word is just so offensive that I never want to hear it.' And I went 'What word?' 'The N-word.' 'What nigger?' THWACK! I get punched. 'Don't say it! It's a horrible dirty word!' 'Nigger is not a horrible dirty word. It's just a word. Intent has to be considered.' *THWACK!* I get punched harder. 'Don't say it around me!' 'Why?' 'Because I find it truly offensive.' 'Ok fair enough. But just to be fair here sis, I _hate_ getting punched. And I've told you that a dozen times. But I'm unclear as to why it's such an offensive word? I mean I know why but what I don't understand why it needs to be just outright removed. It's a valid term and ignoring or banning it's usage just gives it way more impact than it deserves.'
And that's kind of my point. You want the word to be understood, teach it. Say it in the proper context. Twain wasn't using the word to validate it, but instead to demonstrate the dialect of the time and place. Ignoring it doesn't make the word go away. Instead it builds up a taboo about it that can now be abused. You know you can use it as a weapon.
And I'm all for the empowerment of taking an insulting term and owning it as the marginalized group. I get that. Fag, dyke, nigga, all kinds of examples can be made to demonstrate this. What I don't get is how this suddenly means to use the term in different contexts suddenly becomes a taboo.
Other than, as is being demonstrated, to edit a horrible part of history. But folks, what goes for the individual goes for the society. You want to fix a problem, you gotta own it and make it your own. You have to be able to say aloud, 'The term nigger, used in a pejorative manner to describe black people, is an antiquated term that demonstrates past ideas of segregation and marginalization.'
You even have to be able to joke about it. You have to be able to diffuse the word's power by recognizing it for what it is, a left over from bad ideas and bad actions.
So c'mon now, say it with me. Nigger. It's a horrible word. That still requires thought and understanding. Imagine that, understanding our history, even the crappy parts.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Quitting
Come on in and enjoy the fire. It's so nice out today, it's a shame I spent it vegetating in my house. Well I was also inhabiting a part of my brain where I'm writing something. I've got this super cool idea for a Shadowrun game and the characters and the story and all wonderful and stuff. Anyhow.
So I'm quitting smoking. Kinda. I want some lungs back and I think I'd like to be in shape again. Start riding the bike at the University gym for this semester see if I can stick with it. But I gotta quit the smoking. Of course I'm kinda cheating. I went back to chew, which is where I started my tobacco kick. But it allows me to keep from killing folks and breathing and eventually that will get reduced and I'll be tobacco free again.
But as a public service I thought I'd list a few things the other folks around a quitting smoker can do to ease the transition.
1) Don't ask how it's going. If they want to talk about it, cool, but for most folks, reminding them they're quitting generally makes it worse. Part of it is getting rid of the habit. Cigarettes are both physically addicting and habit forming.
2) Speaking of the addiction, nicotine is one of the hardest things to kick in the world. Don't remind us how good we're going to feel because the DTs right now feel like fucking hell. If you've quit anything physically addicting before you know this.
3) When the mood swings hit, just leave. Trust me. Trying to make it better, trying to point it out, or any other action is just going to go wrong. WAY wrong. Walk away.
4) The money thing. We don't care. We're addicted. Shaddup about the money thing. Heroin addicts kill people for fucking nickles to get their drugs, don't remind us we're just as bad, if not worse, because the money thing? Yeah, it's not the issue.
5) Ask how you can support. Reasonable requests should be done. Unreasonable ones should be checked with appropriate authorities and considered. :)
6) If you're a former smoker, and you're one of those holier than thou motherfuckers who want everyone to quit like you did, stay far away from quitting smokers. We hated your attitude before, and any sanctimonious comments you make now will be justifiable homicide. I've got case files to prove it.
7) If you're a former smoker and you're one of those people that are cool with others smoking while you don't, stick around. We quitters like you and want to emulate you. You understand that quitting is a very personal thing and your support is awesome.
8) Before you say anything that you think is supportive of a quitting smoker, consider how it can be taken the wrong way. If you find just one way it can be taken wrong, don't say it. Physical injury will follow.
9) Remember above all else, this person is quitting a harsh damn addiction. And smokers are openly discriminated against. Yet other addictions are given all the support in the world. Remember that. If alcoholism is a disease, then so is smoking. Treat it accordingly.
10) If the person fails, don't do that 'Aw, you didn't make it,' or any other negative comments. They are down enough as is for failing to quit. Just leave it be and be cool. If they really want to quit, they will. If not, they won't. Got it?
Hope these suggestions are helpful for any other folks dealing with folks who are kicking the smoking habit. If not, well. G'head, say something. I dare you. I need to vent some rage anyways.
So I'm quitting smoking. Kinda. I want some lungs back and I think I'd like to be in shape again. Start riding the bike at the University gym for this semester see if I can stick with it. But I gotta quit the smoking. Of course I'm kinda cheating. I went back to chew, which is where I started my tobacco kick. But it allows me to keep from killing folks and breathing and eventually that will get reduced and I'll be tobacco free again.
But as a public service I thought I'd list a few things the other folks around a quitting smoker can do to ease the transition.
1) Don't ask how it's going. If they want to talk about it, cool, but for most folks, reminding them they're quitting generally makes it worse. Part of it is getting rid of the habit. Cigarettes are both physically addicting and habit forming.
2) Speaking of the addiction, nicotine is one of the hardest things to kick in the world. Don't remind us how good we're going to feel because the DTs right now feel like fucking hell. If you've quit anything physically addicting before you know this.
3) When the mood swings hit, just leave. Trust me. Trying to make it better, trying to point it out, or any other action is just going to go wrong. WAY wrong. Walk away.
4) The money thing. We don't care. We're addicted. Shaddup about the money thing. Heroin addicts kill people for fucking nickles to get their drugs, don't remind us we're just as bad, if not worse, because the money thing? Yeah, it's not the issue.
5) Ask how you can support. Reasonable requests should be done. Unreasonable ones should be checked with appropriate authorities and considered. :)
6) If you're a former smoker, and you're one of those holier than thou motherfuckers who want everyone to quit like you did, stay far away from quitting smokers. We hated your attitude before, and any sanctimonious comments you make now will be justifiable homicide. I've got case files to prove it.
7) If you're a former smoker and you're one of those people that are cool with others smoking while you don't, stick around. We quitters like you and want to emulate you. You understand that quitting is a very personal thing and your support is awesome.
8) Before you say anything that you think is supportive of a quitting smoker, consider how it can be taken the wrong way. If you find just one way it can be taken wrong, don't say it. Physical injury will follow.
9) Remember above all else, this person is quitting a harsh damn addiction. And smokers are openly discriminated against. Yet other addictions are given all the support in the world. Remember that. If alcoholism is a disease, then so is smoking. Treat it accordingly.
10) If the person fails, don't do that 'Aw, you didn't make it,' or any other negative comments. They are down enough as is for failing to quit. Just leave it be and be cool. If they really want to quit, they will. If not, they won't. Got it?
Hope these suggestions are helpful for any other folks dealing with folks who are kicking the smoking habit. If not, well. G'head, say something. I dare you. I need to vent some rage anyways.
Monday, January 3, 2011
It's a new (Calander) Year.
Come on in and grab a seat near the fire. It's a beautiful day, it's a fun time, and in general, life is pretty good.
So I gotta brag a bit. I got a buncha new stuff. A new 40" 1080p 120mHz LCD TV for a great deal. It's a Samsung. It's pretty. It unfortunately confirms my general consumerism. Cuz I also bought some Wii games to enjoy on the big TV. The two Force Unleashed games because they were on sale. As a side note, I'm a bad ass Sith. I kicked Darth Vader and the Emperor's ass. Oh and Access Communication was offering free cable packages with the rental of an HD/PVR. HD TV is kinda awesome.
I also got a spanky new desk. It's cherrywood with a glass top and all kinds of pretty. And a filing cabinet. And other stuff for the desk. OH OH! And my cybertree!! It's a floor lamp with five individual lamps that have those totally awesome pose-able metal arms with five colourful flower lights and it's my cybertree. My cybertree is awesome.
Anyways, the best part of Christmas was how much time I got to spend with my girls and such. It's totally sweet. The Bear and Crow were lotsa fun, in fact they're over today and we're having ourselves a fun time. :)
Oh and my Brother had a baby. A beautiful little girl who is huge! She was a bit overdue, and was over 8 lbs. Full head of hair, very vocal and active, and was on the breast in moments. One gorgeous new member of the family, born on Boxing Day.
So how was your holiday? Anything interesting?
So I gotta brag a bit. I got a buncha new stuff. A new 40" 1080p 120mHz LCD TV for a great deal. It's a Samsung. It's pretty. It unfortunately confirms my general consumerism. Cuz I also bought some Wii games to enjoy on the big TV. The two Force Unleashed games because they were on sale. As a side note, I'm a bad ass Sith. I kicked Darth Vader and the Emperor's ass. Oh and Access Communication was offering free cable packages with the rental of an HD/PVR. HD TV is kinda awesome.
I also got a spanky new desk. It's cherrywood with a glass top and all kinds of pretty. And a filing cabinet. And other stuff for the desk. OH OH! And my cybertree!! It's a floor lamp with five individual lamps that have those totally awesome pose-able metal arms with five colourful flower lights and it's my cybertree. My cybertree is awesome.
Anyways, the best part of Christmas was how much time I got to spend with my girls and such. It's totally sweet. The Bear and Crow were lotsa fun, in fact they're over today and we're having ourselves a fun time. :)
Oh and my Brother had a baby. A beautiful little girl who is huge! She was a bit overdue, and was over 8 lbs. Full head of hair, very vocal and active, and was on the breast in moments. One gorgeous new member of the family, born on Boxing Day.
So how was your holiday? Anything interesting?
Sunday, December 26, 2010
My Christmas Prayer
Come sit around the fire and enjoy some cabbage rolls. I made them for the potluck this year. Used Gramma/Mom's recipe and as evidenced by the large empty crock pot, they were pretty well received. Don't worry though, I made a massive amount and have extras.
And before we break this bread amongst friends I offer this prayer.
I thank the grandfathers for what they provide, from the ground we find beneath the fresh snow, to the knowledge we now share from the beginning of time. I offer them a sacrifice of myself to honour their spirit.
I honour the spirits of joy, the gifts of the soul, and the selflessness that is the heart of this time. No matter your background, your spiritual belief, your religion, we all keep this time together to recognize the promise of life through death.
I say a blessing to my family and friends, those that already know my love, but even more so I make a promise of generosity to those I do not know, to those who may not know that even those without a personal stake care for them simply because they exist.
I extend my love to all those members of my world who may not always be seen, who may not even have been human. I honour their individual nations, and give thanks to the sacrifices they have made so my feeble existence may continue.
And to you who may read, I love you.
And before we break this bread amongst friends I offer this prayer.
I thank the grandfathers for what they provide, from the ground we find beneath the fresh snow, to the knowledge we now share from the beginning of time. I offer them a sacrifice of myself to honour their spirit.
I honour the spirits of joy, the gifts of the soul, and the selflessness that is the heart of this time. No matter your background, your spiritual belief, your religion, we all keep this time together to recognize the promise of life through death.
I say a blessing to my family and friends, those that already know my love, but even more so I make a promise of generosity to those I do not know, to those who may not know that even those without a personal stake care for them simply because they exist.
I extend my love to all those members of my world who may not always be seen, who may not even have been human. I honour their individual nations, and give thanks to the sacrifices they have made so my feeble existence may continue.
And to you who may read, I love you.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Time for the Happy Music!
Come on in, and sit down. One of the horrible parts of getting older is that the people you looked up to, the folks who helped shape your life start to die. And this is one of those moments.
Unfortunately I didn't find out until now, but apparently one of my favorite teachers from high school passed away in July. Ms. Brenda McAlpine was one of those crazy teachers they make movies about. Someone who inspires their students to bigger and better things, and she always gave everything she possible could. Her students are in the thousands and I doubt there's a single one who doesn't love and respect what she taught.
What I remember most about her was the intense belief she inspired in the people around her. She just wouldn't say no, or never, or can't. Instead she would push everyone through her own belief in them to be that much better.
I ran into her when I was working at the Casino after my first daughter was born. She was still teaching at Martin, and had a class that essentially boiled down to a life skills class for kids that were in trouble, or danger of getting kicked out of school. She invited me as a former student who didn't have an easy life to come talk to the kids. I was thrilled to be invited and went. Mostly because I truly loved Ms. McAlpine as a teacher, but also because she wanted me to, and if Brenda wanted me to, damn straight I would.
So I go. And spend an hour getting questions tossed at me and talking honestly with these kids. About what turned my life around about the goals I had, where I was working and mainly speaking about the idea that your life is never over, you always have a chance to come back. And it was awesome. But the lesson wasn't over.
After the class, Ms. McAlpine asked me what my plans for my life was. I was pretty tapped out at that point, figured, work at the casino, enjoy my married life and raise kids. She said 'I always thought you would've made a good lawyer. I'm surprised you didn't do well in school.' And that was the seed that started the thought of going back to school. Because if Ms. McAlpine thought I would do good then damn straight I would.
She was going to be one of the people from my life, there's a long list of them, who I was going to phone or find after I graduated next semester to say thank you. To thank them for believing I could do it. And now. Well I guess a prayer for her will have to get those words to her. So in advance, thank you Ms. McAlpine.
Now talent? This was one gifted woman. She took the rock quartet arrangement for Little Shop of Horrors, and made a full band arrangement. We were the Skid Row Orchestra. And we were allowed to shout up at the stage, and make comments, and help get the crowd into the show. And during one performance, before this real bouncy happy song I shout out, 'It's Time for the Happy Music!' and the whole orchestra loses it, the cast lose it, and the crowd starts howling with laughter, almost falling over themselves with the hilarity. And after the performance, Ms. McAlpine says, 'That was great Rich. Never do it again!' Not just because it disrupted the show for about 5 minutes, because no one in the Skid Row Orchestra could get enough breath to play our instruments, but because it would never be as spontaneous or perfect as it was that moment. She recognized the beauty of that one shining moment and wanted it to stand on its own.
So to pay tribute to that genius, I give you some music from that fantastic musical.
Unfortunately I didn't find out until now, but apparently one of my favorite teachers from high school passed away in July. Ms. Brenda McAlpine was one of those crazy teachers they make movies about. Someone who inspires their students to bigger and better things, and she always gave everything she possible could. Her students are in the thousands and I doubt there's a single one who doesn't love and respect what she taught.
What I remember most about her was the intense belief she inspired in the people around her. She just wouldn't say no, or never, or can't. Instead she would push everyone through her own belief in them to be that much better.
I ran into her when I was working at the Casino after my first daughter was born. She was still teaching at Martin, and had a class that essentially boiled down to a life skills class for kids that were in trouble, or danger of getting kicked out of school. She invited me as a former student who didn't have an easy life to come talk to the kids. I was thrilled to be invited and went. Mostly because I truly loved Ms. McAlpine as a teacher, but also because she wanted me to, and if Brenda wanted me to, damn straight I would.
So I go. And spend an hour getting questions tossed at me and talking honestly with these kids. About what turned my life around about the goals I had, where I was working and mainly speaking about the idea that your life is never over, you always have a chance to come back. And it was awesome. But the lesson wasn't over.
After the class, Ms. McAlpine asked me what my plans for my life was. I was pretty tapped out at that point, figured, work at the casino, enjoy my married life and raise kids. She said 'I always thought you would've made a good lawyer. I'm surprised you didn't do well in school.' And that was the seed that started the thought of going back to school. Because if Ms. McAlpine thought I would do good then damn straight I would.
She was going to be one of the people from my life, there's a long list of them, who I was going to phone or find after I graduated next semester to say thank you. To thank them for believing I could do it. And now. Well I guess a prayer for her will have to get those words to her. So in advance, thank you Ms. McAlpine.
Now talent? This was one gifted woman. She took the rock quartet arrangement for Little Shop of Horrors, and made a full band arrangement. We were the Skid Row Orchestra. And we were allowed to shout up at the stage, and make comments, and help get the crowd into the show. And during one performance, before this real bouncy happy song I shout out, 'It's Time for the Happy Music!' and the whole orchestra loses it, the cast lose it, and the crowd starts howling with laughter, almost falling over themselves with the hilarity. And after the performance, Ms. McAlpine says, 'That was great Rich. Never do it again!' Not just because it disrupted the show for about 5 minutes, because no one in the Skid Row Orchestra could get enough breath to play our instruments, but because it would never be as spontaneous or perfect as it was that moment. She recognized the beauty of that one shining moment and wanted it to stand on its own.
So to pay tribute to that genius, I give you some music from that fantastic musical.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Oh what a feelin'
Come on inside, I'm just working on a paper and in a fit of impromptu frustration I've decided to ditch out of work for a few minutes and write this little rant.
I love my kids. My Little Bear and Little Crow are the most important things to me and make every day just that much better. They are so incredible, just looking at pictures of them as they grow up makes my heart swell and I can be reduced to tears by happy memories.
And then comes this little worm of guilt. This little horrible dark stain that seems to want to intrude on a lot of my life at times. Sometimes it likes to peek out and help make things seem more detached than they should be and it gets me angry. Because really, the only reaction I have to negativity seems to be anger. I'm good at it, and it can masquerade as righteous indignation, as moral outrage, or as justified defense of those I love, but what it comes down is being a generally ornery person.
And the one person I'm usually angry with is myself. Because I'm the asshole that has created the situations that mean I can't be with my girls all the time. I'm the one that has made it so they can't be together and grow up as sisters under the same roof. I'm the asshole that has cost myself love and happiness with a family that is all together and united. Because I'm a generally ornery person.
Now I'm not saying I should or could change. I mean sure, from what I used to be I'm a pretty mellow guy, but I can still fly off the handle at a moments notice. Like the experience with wannabe tough biker dude. But that's a story for another day. And it's not to say that the anger hasn't been useful at times. I make a great person to have on your side when someone is trying to screw you over. Once I get rolling, very few things stop me from getting what I want. Unless what I want is a healthy long term relationship and a life where my girls grow up together. That I pretty much have fucked up, cuz I'm a generally ornery person.
I think I'm making progress. I mean, sure I still get angry, but I'm able to hold it in check and release it in adequate ways, like writing, or video games, or singing, or ... welll shit, there's no one to have some hard angry sex with so that one isn't an option. Probably because I'm a generally ornery person.
I don't think I ever had a point with this, and really, it may come across as a little whiney but I prefer to see it as self-exploration. I'm happy I can at least say to myself, 'You stupid fuck, look what you did. Dummy up!'
I love my kids. My Little Bear and Little Crow are the most important things to me and make every day just that much better. They are so incredible, just looking at pictures of them as they grow up makes my heart swell and I can be reduced to tears by happy memories.
And then comes this little worm of guilt. This little horrible dark stain that seems to want to intrude on a lot of my life at times. Sometimes it likes to peek out and help make things seem more detached than they should be and it gets me angry. Because really, the only reaction I have to negativity seems to be anger. I'm good at it, and it can masquerade as righteous indignation, as moral outrage, or as justified defense of those I love, but what it comes down is being a generally ornery person.
And the one person I'm usually angry with is myself. Because I'm the asshole that has created the situations that mean I can't be with my girls all the time. I'm the one that has made it so they can't be together and grow up as sisters under the same roof. I'm the asshole that has cost myself love and happiness with a family that is all together and united. Because I'm a generally ornery person.
Now I'm not saying I should or could change. I mean sure, from what I used to be I'm a pretty mellow guy, but I can still fly off the handle at a moments notice. Like the experience with wannabe tough biker dude. But that's a story for another day. And it's not to say that the anger hasn't been useful at times. I make a great person to have on your side when someone is trying to screw you over. Once I get rolling, very few things stop me from getting what I want. Unless what I want is a healthy long term relationship and a life where my girls grow up together. That I pretty much have fucked up, cuz I'm a generally ornery person.
I think I'm making progress. I mean, sure I still get angry, but I'm able to hold it in check and release it in adequate ways, like writing, or video games, or singing, or ... welll shit, there's no one to have some hard angry sex with so that one isn't an option. Probably because I'm a generally ornery person.
I don't think I ever had a point with this, and really, it may come across as a little whiney but I prefer to see it as self-exploration. I'm happy I can at least say to myself, 'You stupid fuck, look what you did. Dummy up!'
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